Here’s a story that, when I read the headline I thought, “what an f’ing douche!” Then I started to read it, and saw his mugshot, and I thought, “that kid has some serious problems, and should probably seek out some help.” Then, after I was finished reading I thought, “who the hell would date this guy?”

Now I’m all for calling Oprah the anitchrist, and it’s nice to agree with a Baptist once in a while, you know, for variety’s sake. But I would say that when “Christians ‘just say no’ to the big ‘O’.” They’re not spelling that O-P-R-A-H…if you know what I mean…wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

So if you look over there on the right, you’ll notice that I am currently reading three books. One of those, The Book of Lost Things, has quickly taken precedence over the other two. Daniel Martin is, if you’re not familiar, fucking MASSIVE, and not nearly as fast paced as some of Fowles’ other work (which is usually at about dead tortoise speed anyway). Odd and the Frost Giants, by contrast, is so small that if I just sat down for 30 minutes I’d finish it…but I digress. The Book of Lost Things is just so damn original and well written that I’m not even reading my homework. And the best part is, I’m only about 1/3 of the way through it and it just keeps getting better. The one issue I am having with it is that, in the book, wolves are portrayed as malevolent. After reading Robert Jordan and Fables, I’ve really come to love wolves in literature and seeing them painted in a less then a good light is sorta hard to swallow. And Bigby is probably my all time third favorite comic book character…

On that note, because I’m sure you all care so much, here’s a list of my favorite all time comic book/fantasy/sci-fi characters…

1. The Joker - Without a doubt the greatest villain ever. He has no powers, no magic, no advanced technology. He strikes terror into people simply by being the most crazy mother fucker to ever grace a comics page. Now that’s a villain!

2. Shadowman - I’m willing to admit that, probably, I should be mocked for this by other comic nerds. Valiant certainly had its ups and downs (many more downs, sadly), but there was a time when they were coming out with some pretty decent lines, and they had a couple really solid cross universe stories. Of everything they did, Shadowman, I thought, was the best. At one point in the series (the first series, that is, which was the good one) Jack (Shadowman) discovers the time and place of his death. After this he becomes such a reckless/half insane mess that watching him spiral downward is both engaging and disturbing. Plus, Jack lived in New Orleans and the entire series was heavily voodoo themed…and he fought the devil. What’s not to like!?

3. Bigby - He really makes me wish I were a half air spirit, half werewolf who fathered a litter wolf/human flying shape changers with Snow White!

4. Matrim Cauthon - Easily the best of the Two River’s three, Mat is a gambler, womanizer, sorta con man, jokester, who becomes the greatest military mind since…well, ever. And unlike Rand and Perrin, Mat’s story never becomes even slightly annoying because he is just such a fun character to read.

5. Batman - because when it comes right down to, “he’s Batman” is all you really need to know…but he’s also the only hero who could take down Superman…if he had to…so just watch it Kal-El!

6. Sam Vimes - It’s hard to pick just one Discworld character, because they are all so interlinked, but I think Vimes really stands a bit above the rest. I suppose a lot of people might pick Rincewind, or Death, or Granny Weatherwax, or even the Librarian, (and sometimes I lean toward Lu-Tze, but since he only really features in two books, it is hard to justify him as the best character of the series) and those would all be good choices. But Vimes is the Discworld’s every man. OK, yes, he does eventually end up a Duke, but the first time we meet him he’s a washed up, alcoholic, night watch commander who, in Sgt. Colon’s eternal words, was “brung low by a woman.” From that inauspicious beginning he, nearly single handedly, creates real policing in Ankh-Morpork (and thereby, the entire world). And even after he becomes one of the richest men in the city (and therefore, probably the world), he still prefers to patrol the streets at night in cheap boots. Now that’s a guy I’d like to have a beer with.

7. Lucifer - In case you didn’t already know, I have a thing for the devil as a character. Mike Carey’s Vertigo line is, I think, the best portrayal of the devil as an actual character that has ever been produced in any medium, period.

8. Tristran - I guess you could say that this is a tie with Shadow from American Gods and Richard Mayhew from Neverwhere. If pushed, I’d even say that, as far as reading goes, I preferred those books over Stardust. But Tristran holds a special place in my heart because after reading Stardust I sent my copy to a girl I knew who was studying in London and now we’re married and have a kid. In fact, my wife once said that this book is probably the reason we got back together in the first place.

9. Arthur Dent - I am referring here to the Arthur Dent of the books (and TV and radio), not the film. The distinction is important because, although I enjoyed the film quite a bit and watch it more then is probably good for me, and thought that Martin Freeman did a really good job with the character (and, by the way, Mos Def WAS Ford Prefect), the end of the film is not totally genuine with the character. With the exception of his (very brief) time with Fenchurch, the Arthur of the books wants nothing more then to STAY ON EARTH. Which is what makes him such a great character because HE NEVER GETS TO STAY ON EARTH until it (along with all possible iterations of it) is completely and utterly destroyed…at which point, so is Arthur.

10. Wedge Antilles - Certainly not your average Star Wars choice, I realize. But I think this list shows a bit of a running theme with me. I really get attached to the “every man.” And as far as “a galaxy far far away” is concerned, there is no greater every man then Wedge. He’s the only pilot to survive both Deathstar battles (remember, Luke was not in a fighter for the second one) and he didn’t have the luxury of Jedi powers. And not only is he a gifted pilot, but he works his way up the ranks and eventually becomes a General. The X-Wing comics and novels do such a good job of making Wedge more then a fringe character that it’s a shame they didn’t do more of them.

Well, I could keep going, but I’m sure everyone has stopped reading so I’ll end with a little video goodness that wasn’t in the last post…

I’m going grace you all with a quote from page 129 of The Book of Lost Things:

“They ate her,” said Brother Number One. “With porridge. That’s what ‘ran away and was never seen again’ means in theses parts. It means ‘eaten.’”

“Um, and what about ‘happily ever after’?” asked David, a little uncertainly. “What does that mean?”

“Eaten quickly,” said Brother Number One.

Pure Genius!

I’d say this idea is retarded…if they hadn’t done such a good job with it. I mean, other than Paris Hilton (whose inclusion will go on to baffle me for years, no doubt), every single “character” on this list is perfect.

I finished The Book of Lost Things over the weekend. It really is one of the best things I’ve read in years. Easily the best thing I’ve read since finishing Life of Pi. Of course, I can’t count The French Lieutenant’s Woman as one of my favorites because I was “forced” to read if for a class (and by the way, the links there are to the 1 star reviews for each book…I always find 1 star reviews of books that I love fascinating, and one of the 1 stars for The Book of Lost Things mentions that a person at a certain “bookmine” suggested the work, and the reviewer still can’t look at the person the same way…), but I digress.

When I say that I “finished” it, I mean that I finished the story proper, which was (in the version I have) 330ish pages. The actual book continues on into the 500’s with Connolly’s…meditations, I’d guess you’d call them…on the various myths and folktales that were the inspiration for the novel. It is very interesting, though a bit less captivating then the story proper, so I’ll stroll through that while I continue on in some other stuff I’ve been meaning to get to…

I’ll just say one last thing, since I directed you all to the poor reviews, that it is not a new idea, or even a necessarily fresh take on an old idea, but there is something about the novel that I found tremendously touching. Even though the protagonist is a 12 year old boy, it is a decidedly “grown up” book (whatever that means), but I think Connolly handles a lot of delicate situations and adolescent emotions with a really deft hand. I am willing to admit that this is by no means a book I would recommend to everyone (as opposed to say, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and by the way, the ultimate edition here has not a single 1 star review on amazon, and only one 2 star review…), but seeing as how I was once a male adolescent dealing with some of the same type of issues as David (well, not WWII, obviously), maybe I had no choice but to the love it.