Ian McKellen as King Lear.

It is essential to find past-times to help one relax during a semester, as the negative effects of chronic stress may not only affect school work, they may also have long lasting effects on emotional and physical health. Studies have shown that chronic stress may be linked to anxiety, deppression, weight loss, insomnia, and may affect concentration and memory. One needs diversions. Relaxing evenings with friends, or sitting down to enjoy a book, a good story. I enjoy live theater. I saw Ian McKellen, Helen Mirren and David Strathairn in Dance of Death on Broadway in 2002. It was an amazing experience, as these were highly skilled performers. There is a theater a few minutes from my house. The dilemma, though, is that we live in an age of instant gratification. CDs, DVDs, the Internet. Anything we want and when we want it. Except none of it is live. What do we do then if we want our theater to be live and instant? Compromise.  We kidnap a thespian. Depending on taste, we might need to make room for two.

We must first identify our preferences. Musical theater? Classics, from Lope De Vega and Shakespeare, to Brecht? Ballet? Farse and tragedy and tragicomedy and operettas? Also, while your thespian can play multiple parts, and in some cases perform an entire show for you, this can wear your thespian out faster than if you had two. This is especially true if you’re a Shakespeare aficionado, as I am. I once went through seven thespians in a four month period, as Hamlet can kill almost anyone. For musical theater, Sondheim and Fosse might only cripple or cause them initial discomfort.

There is also thespian maintenance. You will want to keep them in a room on a second floor, preferably with a balcony, which will allow them to have contact with visiting friends and family members. The thespian is an emotional creature, as you’ll become fully aware of during their first weeks of captivity while they sob in lamentation. Therefore these balcony visits will be essential. Sliding recent write-ups of their work may also help, whether fictitious or not. See your local community college journalism department for assistance.

Also consider diet. Don’t feed your thespian too much within two hours of any planned use, as they will be weighed down. A few more things to consider for maintaining your thespian include decorating their rooms (a little stage in one corner can go a long way to making your thespian feel cozy) or cages if you’re under budget constraints; their voices are delicate, therefore much like cigars, you want to keep them in a temperature controlled enviroment; keep little statues covered in gold foil as “awards” you can give them as treats; if you have a method actor and you ask them to take on the part of an animal, you may want to lay down newspaper; and exercise. The little stage in the corner works great for step aerobics.

Remember that when we talk about kidnapping your own thespian, we’re really talking about a guarantee of your future, and of your health. While the costs might appear steep, remember to weigh them against the cost, as well as discomfort, which you might have to face in the long run from chronic stress. To health and happiness.