The announcement is out, and will be repeated over several blogs and other digital means of communication that I seem otherwise tethered to currently. But let it be known, here, now, and on this most stupendous of digital arenas known as Normality Restored, that I, Aleister D D Gilgrim and April December will be bringing forth a new life into this world. it has been said before that should I ever reproduce in any way other than cloning, that it would undoubtedly be a sign of the end times themselves. It has come to pass, as Revelations showed us that it would, I suggest that you all prepare yourselves for the changes that will come.

The date of the beginning of the cultural, and necessary apocalypse, wherein this new being will usher in a profound and needed change to this world is scheduled for the fourth month of the year of 2008. Offered sacrifice, and tribute can be made any time prior to that time, or in the immediate aftermath of the child’s arrival. Prepare yourselves now, puny humans, the dawning of a new age is upon us all! Prepare to kneel!

–Aleister (Father of the coming cataclysm)

That is one seriously PIMP stroller!

Herein, I will impart some of my vast knowledge of all things “father” to the soon-to-be initiated Gilgrim.

1. There are bad times….you might be scared about the prospect of being responsible for the health and well being of another, but you are also, likely, a glow with anticipation on the impending love/care/general good times to be given and had with your offspring. But let me tell you that it is not all sun and roses. The first few months, especially, will feel like no hell you have ever imagined. Your pre-child self can not adequately comprehend the ferocity by which the beast known as “sleep deprivation” will take hold of your scrotum and squeeze. It gets better, too be sure, once the kid figures out that she doesn’t need to eat ever three hours. And maybe you’ll get lucky…perhaps it will only be two months before your offspring begins to slumber on through the night…but I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you.

2. But the good times more than make up for it….this is the stick/carrot approach. Yeah, sometimes it sucks being a parent. Say goodbye to sleeping in, going out, caring about your appearance, having money, not being worried all the time, not caring about what school district you live in, and a whole host of other shit. But the first time you see that little bean shaped humanoid smile, or hear her laugh, trust me when I say that other stuff doesn’t matter.

3. Your priorities will change….maybe there are parents out there whose pre-child and post-child lives are similar, but I would think that those are squarely classed in the “bad” parent category. You’ll start to notice how much sugar is in everything you eat, crime rates start mattering, as does air quality. Basically, you’ll become much more aware of the world and how said world will impact your child.

4. Messiness becomes a way of life….it doesn’t matter how clean you are, you get used to salive/spit up/vomit/urine/feces getting on your hands, skin, clothes, furniture, in your mouth (don’t ask). For some reason, babies conjure up an image of cherubic perfection with rosey cheeks, clear complexions, perfect hair and smelling faintly of honey. The truth is, babies smell foul a lot of the time. Get used to it.

5. People won’t shut the fuck up….I don’t know why, but when people (even complete strangers) see you with an infant they will take it as an excuse to give you parenting “tips” whether you want them or not. In fact, I’m doing it right now! I’m such an ass. But the fact of the matter is, no one can tell you how to raise your kid, period.

And on that note, I’ll step off my box and simply say congratulations. You should get some sleep now before it’s too late.

So, today, we had something of a slight scare regarding the heir to the mighty Giglrim fortune. Luckily, the crisis was averted and it seems that everything is natural, well and the way it should be ^__^ So yay! In fact April and I were able to get a Ultrasound of our whee one a little bit earlier than was initially planned. So here it is, for those what wish to see
the next step in human evolution.

The Gilgrim family baby

April and I have been watching the box set DVDs of Heroes, so needless to say, it is April’s understanding that the baby will have some sort of ‘special ability.’ Currently, the debate is exactly what that special ability will be… any thoughts?

Right now, what we do know about the baby is that it is healthy, jumps like a jumping-bean (we saw it, trust me!), has no immediately discernible siblings, and is too young for us to tell the sex.

–Aleister

Happy and proud papa of an under 4cm life form

So, yesterday being Monday, I was supposed to put up a new post. But that, obviously, did not happen.

After three straight nights of interrupted sleep, my daughter was in no mood to go to bed. And here’s the thing about small children and sleep. When you have, say hypothecially a 14 month old daughter, the more tired said daughter is the worse she sleeps at night. Seems odd, but when a kid doesn’t get in a good nap during the day, especially after a few nights of not sleeping well to begin with, that kid turns into a screaming machine right about bedtime. Because she was so overly tired she couldn’t get relaxed enough to actually fall asleep. So the wife and I had to resort to laying down with her in our bed. When she’s really upset, it’s the only thing that really works. The upshot of this, though, was that my wife and I both fell asleep before 8 PM.

Let me point out that my wife was still in her work clothes (I, luckily, was at least in pajama bottoms, as I had gotten in the bath with my daughter in an attempt to calm her down, which did not, in fact, work), the downstairs TV was on, and our dinner was still sitting out on the stove. I woke up sometime around 11, groggily carried the kid to her crib, shoved the food in the fridge, and shut off the TV before lying back down.

Needless to say, no “blogging” was even considered.

So now that you’re all bored to tears with the minutae of my home life, here’s what I was meaning to post….

Saturday morning, during my self-inforced punishment at the bookmines (read: working my second job) I came across the following album cover…

My initial response was, “What the hell is this?!” to which a co-worker responded, “I don’t know.”

Unpreturbed by this lack of information I took said album (which just happened to be a promo) into the back to give it a listen. It took almost a full 15 seconds before I became totally obsessed with The Pipettes. I was soon informed that, besides being too cute for words, and producing a heavily addictive brand of retro-doo wop, the three girls in question are also English.

Good GOD! It’s like one of my greatest fantasies come true.

If I weren’t married and had a kid, I would totally start stalking these chicks TODAY!

But, as I can only stalk so many people at any one time, I’ll just share the Pipettes love with everyone….

As any faithful reader should know, Gilgrim and April are “expecting” in the biblical sense.

So as the fateful day approaches, I thought it wise to regail the happy couple (and, by default, anyone reading this) with a bit of wisdom gained from 14 months of parenthood. And that bit of wisdom:

Parenthood ages you like nobody’s business!

On Thursday, I was having a rousing e-mail discussion with Mojo of Poor Mojo’s “various sundrys” about the ridiculousness of housing, particularly in the Golden State when said Mojo ended one of his replies with “tyvm.”

Now I was never up on the netspeak, but I could usually figure out crap like that, back in the day, say a year and a half ago, when I still felt some “connection” to the kids.

But that “tyvm” was so totally perplexing to me that I had to have Mojo translate. That’s how sadly out of touch I am.

Then came the weekend. MTV was playing a “So You Think You Can Dance” season 2 marathon all day Saturday and Sunday. Now I didn’t watch every single minute of the thing, but I certainly watched a lot more of it than, say, is healthy.

One minute to digress….let it be emphatically said that I do not, nor does my wife, or anyone even remotely connected to my house, watch Dancing with the Stars. The difference between the two shows might seem negligible to some. But one has B and C level celebrities with no appreciable appititude to dance or any dance related activity barely scraping through routines set to horribly contrived “renditions” of terrible songs that should in know way ever be accompanied by choreography. The other has actual, skilled DANCERS, performing actual DANCING, choreographed by good choreographers and accompanied by appropriate music. Can you guess which is which? Now, you may not appreciate dance, as is certainly your right. But my wife danced for 15 years, and it’s something that is taken seriously in our house (though, maybe not as seriously as, say, baseball or Premier League Football).

Do I think it is possible I would have watched so much “So You Think You Can Dance?” before I had a kid….well, I suppose anything is possible. But it certainly would have been highly improbable. Now….? The evidence speaks for itself.

So, be wary innocent expecting couple. You will find many changes occurring in your lives soon. Not all of them will sit well with the image you have of your former self.

Well, after a long stint at the doctor’s office, we finally have conclusive proof regarding the gender of the first born forthecoming…

and after much sonigraphic searching through the murky depths of April’s -fleshy-organic-incubator-chamber..

–Aleister D D Gilgrim