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Film
Top 10 Most Awesome Parents in Film
Nov 18th
I’m not a parent and don’t really have any amazing stories about my parents. So, my friends, I have chosen to compile a top ten list of the most awesome parents in film. The list is by no means inclusive of all of film, as there are still many classics I’d like to see, and because I basically used my movie collection as reference. So here are the best parents (in my film collection). Also, HERE THERE BE SPOILERS!
Best Parents
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10. Last House On the Left – John and Estelle Collingwood would be a lot higher on the list if their daughter hadn’t been killed. Not that the average parent knows their daughter is going to run into a gang of rapists and killers, but there are other parents on this list that would never have let her go out that night, or at least taught her to better look after herself. Aside from all that though, of course, is the reason they are on the list. It takes a passionate heart and a keen mind to outwit and take revenge on a group of killers, and the Collingwoods manage it in fine style.
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09. National Lampoon’s Vacation – Come on. Who wouldn’t want Ellen and Clark Griswold as parents? Despite the horrible outcomes to so many of the family vacations, they prove that their heart is always in it, and they’re always thinking about the family.
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- 08. The Jerk – Now this is awesome. A big happy family all under one roof. Singing and dancing every day, dinner together at the table, and unbreakable gems of wisdom about shit and shinola. Mother and father Johnson take care of all of their kids as well as Navin, who was left on their doorstep when he was a baby. Even when Navin loses his fame and fortune, his parents show up to take him home again.
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07. Little Miss Sunshine – Richard and Cheryl Hoover don’t seem like the greatest parents right away, but their time together with the family helps them learn a few things about life, and in the end, they understand which things matter the most in their lives. There aren’t a whole lot of things in recent memory that are much more awesome than what the Hoover family manages at the end of the movie.
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- 06. Dumbo – Miss Jumbo is great. She’s a single parent, raising a child in the middle of a circus (literally). She’s gotta deal with asshole circus attendees and all the other gossiping cold-hearted elephants. As you can see in the movie, she’d rather bring down the whole circus than see her baby come to harm.
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- 05. Coneheads – Beldar and Prymatt have the classic immigrant story. They come to America in search of a new opportunity (just happens to be enslaving the blood-skulls), and find not only that they are stuck on Earth for seven zurles, but that they are with cone. They manage to evade immigration and provide a great life for their daughter on an alien planet, and eventually give up the life for which they were hoping and waiting… for her.
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- 04. Lock Stock & Two Smoking Barrels – Big Chris keeps Little Chris close at all times. They work together in their business ventures like partners and father & son at the same time. Despite the rough nature of their work, Big Chris still keeps Little Chris in line by reprimanding him when he curses or steps out of line with a client. You see just how much emotion is in Big Chris near the end of the film when Little Chris becomes threatened by the character called Dog.
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- 03. Donnie Darko – Eddie and Rose Darko prove to be quite awesome a few times in this movie. The main reason is that when Donnie gets in trouble with a teacher the parents know to be an idiot, they buy him a bunch of “new shit” for standing up for himself and making the teacher look stupid. It’s rare that the parent will take the child’s side in a situation like this (in movies at least). They also seem to have a great sense of humor.
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- 02. Kill Bill Volume 2 – “The Bride” proves to be a great parent when she tells Bill her story about leaving the assassin racket after taking a pregnancy test. Her entire life took a hard right-angle turn when she found out she was pregnant. It’s true that she thought her daughter was dead throughout the whole first movie, but that was a major motivator for her revenge. All she wants to do (from the time she finds out she’s pregnant) is get away from her violent life and start a safe family for her daughter.
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- 01. The Incredibles – What family could be more awesome than this? Bob and Helen Parr put away the hero duds so as not to get sued by people who “didn’t want to be saved”, and start a family. In the interests of safety, they never allow the kids to use their powers. But of course, the situation comes up where the powers are absolutely necessary and the family works as the ultimate superhero team in order to protect each other (and everyone else).
Versatility in Flesh Eating and Blood Sucking
Oct 16th
In most things that become horror genres, specific rules tend to crop up. Werewolves can be killed with a silver bullet. Zombies die if you destroy the brain. Sunlight, crosses, holy water, and garlic are the bane of vampires everywhere. If you stay awake, Freddy can’t get you. These rules and how they are utilized, bent, and broken are what makes for the versatility of a genre. But can one genre be more versatile than another?
It can be tough to classify, because if a movie bends or breaks too many of the rules, does it still belong to the seeming genre? For instance, Return of the Living Dead has what most would consider “zombies”, but many of the normal zombie rules don’t apply. These zombies (first and foremost) are runners (the older rule of stiff shambling zombies gets broken most of the time these days, as anyone who has been to the theaters to see a zombie movie in the last 10 years knows). They don’t die by destruction of the brain, severing of limbs, or anything else except complete destruction of tissue by way of a crematorium. So are they zombies? Sure, why not. They still want to eat human flesh (the brains to be specific) and are the dead returned to some form of life. The broadest idea of the genre gets a little broader and more lenient on the rules to be inclusive of similar ideas. I think ROTLD might have even started the whole eating of brains thing.
The vampire rules have been bent numerous times too. I’m sure before “Twilight” came out, Count Dracula was the first thing to come to the average person’s mind when thinking of vampires. The classic, smooth, black cape-wearin’, widow’s peak havin’, menacing hand-extendin’, lady-charmin’, blood-suckin’ Count Dracula. But since the likes of he and Nosferatu, we’ve gone through tons of variations.
The first that comes to mind is a favorite of mine, and probably because it plays out more like a zombie movie than your average vampire movie. It’s From Dusk Till Dawn. While this film doesn’t really break any of the rules (maybe a couple bent), it is far different from “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” or “Interview With the Vampire”. None of the vampires in the movie have the dignified nature of the average Victorian child of the night. With the exception (maybe) of a couple of the strippers (before they get ugly), there is no sense of style or overwhelming influence here. Surely there’s the seduction by the strippers of the bar patrons, but that’s hardly comparable to a “proper” vampire’s powers of persuasion. So it’s more dirty and the dignified nature of the vamps is nowhere to be seen. Otherwise though, everything seems to apply. Crosses, holy water, stakes to the heart, and sunlight all prove useful against the majority of these beasts.
Zombies were always funny to begin with, even as far back as the original Night of the Living Dead. But now we’ve got Shaun of the Dead and Zombieland making good cases for future zomcoms. Vampires have proved their comedic value by way of Buffy, Mel Brooks, Matt Groening, and well, Count Chocula.
I think one thing that zombies have in their favor is the one variable that seems to be a constant through every zombie movie I’ve ever seen. The cause. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a definitive cause of a zombie outbreak in any movie (unless it’s some random chemical leak or something). The characters never seem to get the exact information because there is mass hysteria and confusion. This is one element that could create a lot of elbow room in the genre without stretching too far from the canon. I suppose the cause of vampirism has never been dealt with either (unless I’m mistaken, which I very well may be), but vampires seem to just be accepted immediately as monsters, whereas it’s harder to accept with zombies because they’re often people that the characters know. Also, it’s usually a recent phenomenon.
Vampires have personality though. And as Jules Winnfield said, personality goes a long way. There hasn’t been a zombie yet to match a Count Dracula (or a Jason Voorhees, Wolfman, Mummy, Freddy, or Candyman for that matter). It’s almost always the collective of zombies that matters, not the individual. There has been decent evidence of zombie personality though, mainly in Fido and Day of the Dead. But for the time being, vampires totally own the aspect of personality.
It doesn’t look like vampires or zombies can really surpass one another in versatility. There are rules that the genres are held to, but still so much that could be done with both without having to really break the rules (but even if a couple were broken, no big deal). I definitely prefer zombies, at least at the moment. This is mostly due to the fact that there is no zombie romance series that takes itself way too seriously (that and zombies are way funnier). But even if there was a zombie romance novel, it’s probable it could only work is if it was hilarious (unless someone took the misunderstood monster (King Kong) route).
Documentaries that are neither boring nor suck
Sep 6th
In an effort to get you, the readers, some learning, I offer to you a list of documentaries. Now traditionally documentaries are something they force you to watch in school but I offer a different take, a more entertaining take on the documentary form. Without any further ado, here is a list of documentaries that don’t suck:
5. Expelled-No Intelligence Required: This is Ben Stein’s quest to open a dialog between hard line Darwinists and Intelligent Designists. One thing to note, the film makes it very clear that they are discussing intelligent design not creationism. They don’t really bring a specific designer into the discussion. It could be advanced space aliens for all they care. The climax of the movie involves Ben talking to staunch atheist, Richard Dawkins.
4. Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden: Morgan Spurlock goes on a quest to find Osama Bin Laden. You may remember Morgan as the guy who ate Mcdonalds for whole month while filming it. Super Size Me may be a more powerful documentary, but this one is well worth a look. He actually travels to the middle east and basically goes door to door looking for Osama. All the while his partner is pregnant with their first child. Of note is when he goes to Israel and tries to talk with the hard line Jews and is literally chased out of the neighborhood.
3. CSA: Confederate States of America: What if the South had won the Civil War? That’s the question posed by Kevin Willmott in this documentary. While not a true documentary, I’m still including it on this list due to its unique perspective. The documentary is a mix of “historical” information and fake commercials. There are some very uncomfortable moments. One being a “Cops”-like show involving the tracking down of runaway slaves.
2. Darkon: A LARP-ing documentary. Most everyone I know who reads this site should know what this means. For the uninitiated, it stands for Live Action Role Play. Basically a group of guys and gals strap on their armor and beat each other with foam weapons. This documentary follows the adventures of one such group. The interesting thing is how seriously they take it. From the opening scenes you may think you’re watching a low budget fantasy film, but then you see cars in the background and the field of battle still has the markings of a soccer field. If you don’t want to be seen renting or buying this movie, the whole thing is available on Hulu.
And finally the best of the best:
1. The Aristocrats: This is a documentary about a joke that comedians tell each other at parties. So in essence you have some of the greatest comedic minds of our time all telling the same joke. The kicker is that no 2 tellings of the joke are the same. A word of warning, this is probably the foulest, dirtiest, most disgusting documentary you will ever see. Perhaps I forgot to mention that the point of the joke is to out gross anyone else’s telling of the joke. Be prepared for jokes about incest, bestiality, vomiting, fountains of bodily fluid, etc., etc.
Finally what list would be complete without an honorable mention:
Best in Show: Like CSA not a true documentary but I’m putting it in anyway. Christopher Guest examines the world of dog shows with his standard cast of improv actors. That is something to note about his films. There is no script. All the actors are given is broad strokes of what needs to happen and outlines of their characters. The rest is up to them. If you haven’t seen a Christopher Guest movie, get out to a video store and rent one.
So there you have it. You may not learn a single thing from any of these films but you’ll have a good time.
Glorious Basterds
Aug 29th
“Once upon a time in Nazi occupied France…” a group of bad asses led by Lt. Aldo Rain (Brad Pitt) throw down the gauntlet and scalp a shit load of Nazis. At least that is what the trailer for Quentin Tarantino’s, “Inglorious Basterds” wants you to think the film is about but Basterds is so much more than a simple bloody war movie. The film is an homage to the C war movies of the past and a love letter to film as a whole. The movie’s main story line actually centers around a Nazi propaganda film and a plot to blow up or burn down the theater that is premiering it, taking out every member of the Nazi high command in one fell swoop.
I am one of those who believe that there are very few directors who do talking and excessive violence quite as well as Tarantino and he is in rare form with this new release. I cannot even begin to describe the scene in which two of the Basterds, and a British soldier, are meant to meet with a German film star in a Nazi filled bar, because the speeches contained within that scene are so brilliant. Let’s face it, though, a writer can write the best scene in the world but without the right actor to deliver the lines it all goes to hell anyway. In this case, the man who delivers those lines best is Christoph Waltz as Col. Hans “The Jew Hunter” Landa. Every scene that this man is in is mesmerizing, he utilizes four different languages in the film (German, French, English and Italian) and manages to be terrifying and yet oddly charismatic in all of them. I have never hated a villain while simultaneously being drawn to him every second he is on screen as much as with Landa (if he is not nominated for an academy award this year it will be a complete and utter debacle).
There are, however, two very important things that anyone going to see this film should know. One; the Basterds are only on screen about half the time, splitting the movie with Shosanna the undercover Jewish girl who owns the theater where the Nazis are planning to premier their film. Two; the majority of the film is subtitled so if you aren’t willing to read your entertainment then don’t bother going (and if you choose to go, don’t bitch about it later).
What really made me love this film was the way in which Tarantino dealt with his Jewish characters. I have grown very tired of the way in which Jews are portrayed in film. It is rare to find a movie in which the Jewish characters are not some absurd stereotype. We often see Jewish characters with long beards, dressed all in black, wearing hats and having peyote while Klezmer music plays in the background. The Basterds are not stereotypes. Not once do we see them engaging in any type of stereotypical behavior; they are first and foremost soldiers. Each is representative of where he is from and so, collectively, they do not continue the absurd idea that all Jews are the same. I do not have the time to heap all of the praise I wish on this film so, “Inglorious Basterds” I give you…
5/5 - Punched in the face by AWESOME!
Verhoeven’s Double Feature of Violence
Aug 29th
As a male adult in my early-30’s who was born and raised in the United States, I have seen/been subjected to (take your pick) a large array of movies that, according to the MPAA “…may include adult themes, adult activity, hard language, intense or persistent violence, sexually-oriented nudity, drug abuse or other elements, so that parents are counseled to take this rating very seriously.” For me, the master of this type of film is none other than director, Paul Verhoeven who is not even a US native, but a son of the Netherlands! With this weeks NR theme being, “Bring the Pain” I thought it appropriate to highlight two of Verhoeven’s “best” (and I use the term loosely and more in reference to box office dollars versus actual content) films.
In 1987, Verhoeven hit the cinema with the over the top, ultra-violent “Robocop” Part man. Part machine. All cop. I recall with clarity seeing the commercials and posters at the local theatre for this film and was determined to figure out how to watch it. It wasn’t until a year later, however, when it came out on video that I was able to take a gander without my parent’s interference. My 10 year old mind was (upon reflection) not ready to watch Alex Murphy get brutally shot up and dismembered by a bunch of crazed hooligans. It left quite the impression and the thought that “Wow, they can do some crazy make-up effects these days.” You might think that Murphy’s horrific death was the most violent part of the movie, but from that scene forward, Verhoeven just ratches up the violence meter. Who can forget the scene where Robocop takes down the would-be rapist by putting a round in the assailants breadbasket?! Or when one of Alex Murphy’s original killers gets tossed into some toxic waste and starts to melt? As violent and bloody as Robocop was, Verhoeven was just priming the pump for his next Hollywood endeavor that would feature our very own “Governator.”
1990 brought with it not only “Hammer Pants” but also Verhoeven’s sci-fi life on Mar’s epic “Total Recall” starring Arnold Schwarzenegger which taught us, if nothing else, that that trying to live on Mars sucks…unless you’re looking for an irradiated, martian hooker. Why does life suck on the red planet? Because the government will go with the lowest bidding contractor when making your atmosphere bubbles, thus allowing radiation to disfigure you. Also, the government will cover up the existence of an alien artifact that will actually allow the planet to have a breathable atmosphere. But like a porn movie, we’re not here to talk about the plot. We’re here to talk about the body count, and boy does Verhoeven deliver! Immeasurable amounts of Mars cops get taken out. A rat, sentient cab and various sundry scientist get to meet the reaper. Plus a random goon gets used as a handy meat shield. Don’t believe me?
Despite all of Verhoeven’s hard work during this time, in the end, it is Charlie Sheen who ends starring in “the bloodiest movie of all time.”
Robocop gets an NR rating of:
3/5 - Might be worth a try...
Whereas Total Recall gets an NR rating of:
1/5 - Basic shite.
For the Love of Gore
Aug 28th
Hey there faithful Normalinauts. Kilian here and, for the second week in a row, we at Normality Restored are pleased to welcome a guest contributor. He has requested that we call him “D. Composition” and I fully honor that request. As a slight, personally advantageous, aside I will say that I am enjoying the guest contributors as it means I do less writing (though more editing) and so we get a wider array of voices here on the ol’ NR.
So without further ado, I present to you…
If I were to walk up to an average movie fan and ask him if he remembered such films as “Deep Blue Sea” or “Resident Evil”, I imagine his response to the latter would be “Not really, but I do remember that guy getting diced by those lasers! That was awesome!” and to the former “Not really, but I do remember the shark jumping up and eating Sam Jackson! That was awesome!”
Sorry for the spoiler, but if you haven’t already seen Deep Blue Sea, chances are high that you either don’t want to see it or you already know about it because of Dave Chapelle.
Dave Chapelle: Samuel L. Jackson’s
I find this to be a commonality with a lot of movies, even when the movie is pretty good (I personally enjoyed Deep Blue Sea very much). We all know the reason for its everpresence. It’s the same reason people love rollercoasters. It’s a shocking thrill rolled in fun. Better the fictional movie characters deal with it than us, of course. It’s a fun way to have all the characters we hate get offed in a film. It works the opposite way with our heroes though (There were too many good times with Chef from South Park before his grisly demise. Gore is like taking a wound, or a death, in a story and turning it up full blast, much to the chagrin or delight of the prospective viewer. The gore can be a little much for some people, but that can be enjoyable too. I always find myself smiling at gore moments if I notice that someone else is cringing while watching. I think anything in a movie that can get a reaction like that is doing something right. I suppose I’ve personally been desensitized to the majority of the gore out there, though. I got started at an early age with a certain stripe-sweatered melty boogeyman with knives for fingers. Who could get these images out of a 7 year old’s mind (or a 27 year old’s mind for that matter)?
Few films, however, can match the feeling one gets when watching Dead Alive (Braindead). Back in the late 80’s-early 90’s Peter Jackson (you know the one…he directed the Lord of the Rings movies, for all you non-existent non-nerds reading this) made a couple of really funny and really gory little movies. Dead Alive is the best of these (according to myself and some friends). A few stragglers aside, it seems to be the undisputed “goriest fright film of all time.” If you’re not familiar with Dead Alive, you’ll either be really happy or really pissed off you’ve missed out for so long.
The movie is about a young man who lives with his old abusive mother. The films opens with the mother getting bitten by a rat-monkey at the zoo and, of course, contracting a zombie-like disease. The ball starts tumbling from there. The protagonist does his best to take care of his zombie-mom despite the infection of more and more, who also end up getting kept in his house. There is zombie sex, a zombie baby, a kung fu priest, a lawnmower scene, and a bunch of gross out stuff that even had me squirming.
If you do decide you want to see this movie, make sure to get the unrated version, because the “safe” version has so much cut out it really isn’t the same movie.
Needless to say, gore is and has been a great joy of mine for all kinds of reasons. It’s always fun to see where the filmmaker is going to take the viewer to get to some new level of shock or creativity. This is why people always talk about the “curb scene” in American History X or the “pen trick scene” in Dark Knight or the “eye splinter scene” from Zombi or the “tooth-pulling scene” from Oldboy. These are the standout moments in film for many because they are so shocking and so memorable.
Newstastic or Craptastic…its Newsies!
Aug 21st
Greetings to all faithful Normalinauts. This week, we are lucky to have a guest contributor. She may or may not become a permanent fixture here at NR. I certainly would be in favor of seeing her contribute more so if you enjoy the following piece of writing please let her know. She has asked that the moniker “Oedipa Wheeler” be attributed to her and I consciously decided to NOT try and figure out what that means.
And yes, she is a female. If my memory can be relied upon at all, this is the first article we’ve posted actually written by a female. First women get the right to vote and now this! Truly females are now set to rule the world.
OK, I’ll shut up now…
The beauty of a truly horrific, yet pleasurable, train wreck, metaphorically speaking, of course, given that I don’t harbor any Crash-esque fantasies, is that it brings all those perched upon the upper echelons of our society down to the level of our mediocre and downright embarrassing bourgeois lives. Movie stars are, of course, the usual “victims,” …just a moment while I brush that single, solitary tear off my cheek…of this desire to destroy the ideal. Take Christian “You’re Unprofessional!” Bale as one such victim of the tabloids. This gut-wrenchingly funny tantrum perpetrated by Bale could, in fact, be tossed off as just a part of his artistic temperament, not to overshadow his theatrical abilities. Yet, just visit your local video store and walk directly to the “musicals” section. There, my friends, you will find a film that demonstrates the true range of Bale’s acting abilities; Newsies. And yes, Bale does do all of his own singing and dancing…no stunt doubles for this Renaissance man. Or better yet visit the bookmines so I can escort you myself to this brilliant piece of movie making, giggling all the way.
The popularity of Disney’s live action musicals, à la High School Musical, apparently had not yet found its niche when Newsies made its inauspicious debut in 1992. Yet again, maybe this musical that recreates the 1899 strike of newspaper boys in New York is just pure, unadulterated crap. Bale is quoted as saying of his stellar performance, “Time healed those wounds. But it took awhile.” Time heals all wounds sooner or later, unless it’s the bruise you’ll inevitably get from literally falling off your chair laughing; that’ll take a week or two to heal. Yet, as I sit here rewatching Newsies (yes I own it…it’s hidden between Masculine, Feminine and Citizen Kane in true film major guilty pleasure fashion), I question what was the clincher that lead Bale to look back so shamefully upon this role. Was it singing catchy lyrics like, “If the life don’t seem to suit ya how ‘bout a change of scene, far from the lousy headlines and the deadlines in between!” with the ever elegant heavy New York accent. Or maybe it was the impressive bit of soft shoe he did in unison with about twenty other young men, a veritable precursor to the likes of ‘Nsync or Backstreet Boys. Whatever it was, I hold fast to the cruel pleasure I get from watching Bale’s embarrassing performance.
This pleasure, needless to say, begets some shame for finding so much enjoyment in another man’s humiliation. I gracefully reference you back to my admission that I work at the bookmines as a pretext to my forthcoming rationalization for this shameful pleasure. There is a special kind of enjoyment for a film major who has done nothing with the degree (or any person for that matter who decided to join the Humanities department much to the chagrin of his or her parents) to watch someone successful in the film industry fail so utterly. It gives hope to the wretches like us who will never watch our films light up the silver screen of Sundance, never find our brilliantly penned essays in the New Yorker, or never hear our musical opus on KCRW’s Morning Becomes Eclectic. We want to know that those established in the arts are not necessarily there because of their superior talent. They are, in fact, us with better looks and/or a bit more luck. Their failures bring them back down to us, still searching for a bit of the lime light. Thus, for the time being, I, along with my fellow unsuccessful artistically leaning compatriots, will get our kicks from these simple, disreputable pleasures.
A Not So Perfect Get Away
Aug 14th
So this last weekend, in a fit of boredom, a friend and I decided that it would be fun to go see a movie. He went to see “G.I. Joe” the night before so that was ruled out and, let’s face it, two guys are not going to go see the other major release of the weekend “Julie and Julia” so we chose instead to go see the new Rogue Pictures thriller, “A Perfect Get Away.” Unfortunately, the film is a far cry from its title. I went into the movie thinking “hey this could be fun.” I was wrong.
The actors in the movie are a veritable whose who of B and C listers and I’ll give you some other films they’ve all been in that were actually good. The First couple that we are introduced to is comprised of Steve Zahn (“That Thing You Do”, “Happy Texas”) and Milla Jovovich (“Zoolander”, “The Fifth Element”). These two play Cliff and Cydney, a newlywed couple out in Hawaii for a honeymoon. During their time in the islands they encounter Chris Hemsworth (Star Trek) and Marley Shelton’s (“Planet Terror”, “Sugar and Spice”) Kale and Cleo, a very off putting couple who may very well be the killers who have been hopping from island to island (by the way Hemsworth is almost unrecognizable in this film and huge, likely bulking up for his role in the upcoming Thor). The last couple is Timothy Olyphant (“Go”, “Catch and Release”) and Kiele Sanchez’s (? I haven’t seen anything she has been in), Nick and Gina, also possible killers. The actors do their very best and are the only real reason to see this flick. They are all, quite simpl,y great at what they do and deserve every bit of work that they get.
The problem with the film really lies in the script. For me there was absolutely no suspense whatsoever. We watch the characters as they move across Hawaii, their destination a secluded beach, in scene after scene of boring attempts to startle. Kale is an enraged ex Military man with a history who seems to be stalking Zahn. Nick has a collapsed bow and arrow set which he uses to hunt goat and people alike. Cydney almost falls to her doom only to be saved by Nick, it just goes on and on. From about ten minutes into the film I knew exactly who the killers were, I knew how it was all going to play out and I knew who would survive and who would meet his or her untimely end. The movie suffers from being a thriller with no thrills. I enjoy camp, as you can tell from my previous posts, (and even some of my above suggestions) but, if you are going to be campy commit to it…and if you are going to be scary, be really scary.
There are more Red Herrings in this movie than anything I have seen in a while and, yet, none of them pulled me away from the truth.
SPOILER ALERT Chris Hemsworth character is too crazy to be the killer and Tim Olyphant makes mention of a Red Herring meaning that it can’t possibly be him. The speech patterns of Zahn and Jovovich give them away. Too much of their dialogue has double meanings. END SPOILER.
In the end just don’t waste your time and your money. Save your cash to see “Inglorious Basterds” or simply eat it to provide yourself with some sustenance.
1/5 - Basic shite.
What would you do with a shinbone? – Thoughts on “IN THE LOOP”
Aug 14th
Peter Capaldi and Chris Addison as Malcom Tucker and Toby Wright in Armando Iannuci's "IN THE LOOP."
The characters in Armando Iannucci’s IN THE LOOP eventually talk about war, though always as something distant that they have either read about in books or seen movies of. It’s even implied that the United States’ General Miller (James Gandolfini) doesn’t really have the amount of war experience he claims to have. No one is even sure if he’s ever even killed a man, much less seen any combat. Yet there is talking, as I mentioned. I can’t recall a pause for silence in this film that lasted for more than a few moments. Most of the conversations center around who will look bad and what not to say and what should be said to keep careers afloat. Or even sex. Or a tumbling wall in Northhamptonshire. When someone decides to have a serious conversation about the logistics of going to war in the Middle East, it doesn’t occur in any of the government facilities we see. Instead, it happens in a child’s bedroom, with General Miller using the child’s talking calculator to sum up how many troops are available to send in. 12,000. And that’s just how many they would send in to initially die. You still need a few around afterwards so you can say you won.
There are two sides to the debate on whether or not to go to war led by the British Prime Minister and U.S. officials. On the U.S. side for war, there is Linton Barwick (David Rasche), who keeps a live grenade on his desk as a paper weight. He plays squash and is followed around by his assistant who “hopes to play squash one day.” When Barwick sees statements he doesn’t like in a colleague’s minutes, he changes the statements in the minutes. That colleague would be the other side of the debate, Karen Clarke (Mimi Kennedy) who worries about dental problems and sits in a bathroom as her assistant Liza (Anna Chlumsky) helps her stuff tissues in her mouth to stop her bleeding gums. Liza is also ambitious. She wrote a report detailing the pros and cons of going to war.
Then there is Simon Foster (Tom Hollander) , the British Secretary of State for International Development, and his newly hired assistant Toby (Chris Addison), who find themselves in the middle of this conflict after Simon inadvertently told a news outlet that war was “unforeseeable.” Simon means well, but is ineffectual. Thr Americans refer to him as a “meat puppet.” When things get hard for Simon, he retreats to a box of mints. As the Prime Minister’s Communications Chief Malcom Tucker (Peter Cappaldi) who tries to keep Simon’s statements in line tells him, it’s best if he not speak.
Tucker is a man who works so hard he claims at one point to sweat spinal fluid. As played by Peter Cappaldi, I laughed because I actually expected said fluids to start pouring out of his body. Tucker performs his duties on behalf of the Prime Minister with a combination of tenacity and verbal abuse that includes threats to stab someone to death with their own shinbone, which he would of course pull from their body himself.
While the current war in Iraq is never mentioned directly, only a war in the Middle East, the movie clearly draws parallels with events leading up to the Iraq conflict, down to an interesting manifestation of reliable intelligence to lead the nations into a conflict. The humor in each character’s lines works because they naturally come out of each characters’ clearly defined personality, from Simon who is terrified of taking a stand and constantly fumbles his words in public, to Tucker, who is like a freight train of fertilizer about to run down a school bus full of nuns.
My opinion on the war in the movie? Send Tucker in to the war zone with a megaphone for two days.
4/5 - Nearly classic!
Zombie Rising
Aug 7th
Ok, I know that Rob Zombie is not exactly under the radar. He is, after all, one of the biggest names in Heavy Metal right now and has been for many, many years. It is not Zombie’s position in the music world that I am here to discuss, rather, it is the films that he has made over the past few years. I personally have not seen Zombie’s directorial debut, The House of 1000 Corpses. I did see his two follow up films, however, The Devil’s Rejects and the 2007 remake of Halloween. I thoroughly enjoyed both of these movies for different reasons.
I suppose that the best way to do this is chronologically and so let us begin with The Devil’s Rejects, which is now one of my favorite horror movies of the last decade. Over the past few years I have noticed, as I am sure most of you have, a startling trend in Horror. There seem to be only two distinct options if you want to see a horror film in a theater recently; remakes of foreign horror and what is now commonly referred to as torture porn. What Zombie did with The Devil’s Rejects was create a film that was outside of these two subgenres; a flash back to the old slasher and Grindhouse days…but with more brutality.
I read a review of The Devil’s Rejects that condemned it because there is nothing to like about the main characters we follow. To me, the fact that theses are people completely devoid of anything good, actually is one of the movies strengths. Why is it necessary for a viewer to like or feel connected to murderers, thieves and rapists? The Devil’s Rejects, also known as the Firefly family, are pure and simple embodiments of the evils of the world. This film did not rely on cheap pop outs to make the audience jump, instead the viewer is presented with relentless images of the evil that man can do to others. Zombie’s work actually made me cringe on several occasions…as it should any sane person. The whole point of horror is to be confrontational, to force the viewer or reader to be subject to his or her worst fears in order to have a greater understanding of self.
As for Zombie’s remake of John Carpenters classic Halloween, I believe it was unfairly judged. Many blamed Zombie for creating a film that was derivative of the original. It seems that the critics have forgotten what the term remake means. I remember cries of “oh some of the scenes are identical to the original film” (note this same thing was highly praised in Peter Jackson’s remake of King Kong, I guess it is OK to be derivative if you have an academy award for Best Director and Best Picture, and by the way I liked King Kong and Peter Jackson’s films as a whole). I wonder, though, if some of these moments hadn’t been in Halloween, would Zombie have been accused of ignoring the great work of Carpenter. The one thing that makes Zombie’s film truly excellent is, in the first act, the audience is shown Michael Myer’s childhood and subsequent incarceration. We get to see how Myers became the monster. Myers was not unloved or unloving as a youth, he was actually incredibly misguided in his love for his Mother (played skillfully by Rob Zombie’s wife Sheri Moon Zombie) and baby sister. The viewer is shown attempts at treatment by the powerful Dr. Loomis (Malcolm McDowell), a man who, over the years, feels he has become a father figure to Myers and, thus, responsible for the murderer’s actions. In the end we are given a back story that is lacking from the original and only serves to improve upon what came before.
Lastly I would like to discuss the work Zombie did for the film Grindhouse. Zombie created a trailer for a fake film called “Werewolf Women of the SS,” this trailer had me, figuratively, rolling in the aisles (Nicholas Cage as Fu Manchu!?). I would be first in line to see this movie. Within the next few months the world will see two releases by Zombie. Halloween 2 will be in theaters this month and a cartoon adaptation of Zombie’s comic book The Haunted World of El Superbesto will be out in September. I hope to enjoy both.
Tears of a Robot
Jul 31st
This week I’ll be looking at robots in a couple of modern franchises. It’s pretty shocking what some film makers will do to robots just because they aren’t human.
Let’s get down to the core of the issue. Robots are machines. The problem comes when people either want to make them unnecessarily human or put in purely robot scenes that make humans uncomfortable.
Let’s look at the first point. Star Wars: the Clone Wars goes to great lengths to give battle droids personality. “But Threepio and Artoo have personality and they’re robots in Star Wars.” True, but not in the same way. Firstly, they are meant to be characters. Secondly, from a design stand point, they are designed to interact with humanoids. Thus there is the expectation that they would be more human-like in appearance and demeanor. Artoo doesn’t fit this criteria but gets as pass based on the fact that he is a good guy. The problem with battle droids is that they are meant to be machines of death and destruction. Why on earth would you give that a personality, much less a goofy comic relief personality? In case you aren’t familiar with the Clone Wars series, the droids have discussions among themselves about what is going on and chastise each other for incompetence. I personally think that they shouldn’t talk to each other and if they need to vocalize, it should be tactical information delivered to non-robot commanders. Seems a waste of time for them to talk at all when they could transmit data at super speeds. Also, on some level, they are meant to be cannon fodder so it seems to be a huge waste of resources to give them all personalities. Getting back to my point, battle droids should be scary to kids; a never ending march of automotons bringing death. They shouldn’t be the comic relief. The makers could learn a lot from the Terminator movies. Those are some badass silent killing machines!
My second point is robots doing robot things that would be creepy if humans did them. The mark of any good film is that the characters are relatable no matter their circumstances. This gets weird when you consider robot characters. In a good film, you stop thinking of them as machines and more as organic creatures. Which is all well and fine until you have robots scavenging parts from other characters. To put it in organic terms: if I was walking down the street and saw someone fall over dead and went over and removed their hand in case I needed it later, i would be locked up for a very long time. The first time I really came across this sort of robotic cannibalism was in the fox animated movie, Robots. The scene I described happens in the movie except that it was robots. As long as they are just robots it’s fine, but once you start thinking of them as people, it all falls apart.
What happens when you have both of these scenarios in one movie? You have Micheal Bay’s Transformers franchise. Bay attempts to give the robots personality and human behaviors so you see them as living creatures and then mutilates them horribly. After seeing the second one, I’ll never look at Optimus Prime the same again. It’s not so much that he acts out of character or overly goofy. We are expected to look past all of the hyper violence because it’s between robots and not organic characters. In the first movie, Megatron tears Jazz in half on screen (which, while ultra violent, was at least done by a bad guy). Bumblebee has his legs blown off and Prime stabs a Decepticon through the throat and decapitates him. At the time I didn’t really think much of it. They just took the knock out brawls of the original series and made them more adult. Then I saw the second one.
[SPOILER ALERT]
In this one, Bay cranked up the level of robot violence. Prime uses hooks to rip someone’s face off. Not only that but you have the robots spurting “blood” when punched, and getting “teeth” knocked out. The ultimate scene is at the end when Prime punches the Fallen’s face off, punches through his chest, and crushes his beating “heart” in his hand. Now I’m not saying that I would have prefered a movie where the final showdown involved long discussions about feelings and then a group hug, but I wasn’t expecting to see what I saw. Also, I’m not under any pretensions that the original transformers series wasn’t violent but it was mostly laser gunfights and bare knuckle brawling. The worst that could happen was someone was “knocked out” but was back for more in next week’s episode. More importantly, I wouldn’t have expected this kind of conduct by the leader of the Autobots. They are supposed to be the paragons of good and fair play not ultraviolent killing machines. I don’t know if I can see Prime as a hero to be idolized after this. That makes me sad in ways I can’t even begin to count. My inner child is cowering in the corner, weeping in fear of Optimus Prime.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Jul 17th
This week’s theme is epic deaths. Coincidentally, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince comes out this week as well. In case you haven’t read the book and have been living under a Harry Potter-free rock, a very major and epic character dies at the end of it. I’ll try not to spoil it.
For the uninitiated, this is the 6th movie in the series and shows us the sixth year that Harry and Classmates spend at Hogwarts school of withcraft and wizardry. Evil is on the rise in the wizarding world to the point of it spilling out into the muggle world. Harry returns to school ready to learn the knowledge needed to finally defeat Lord Voldemort. Anyone who has read the books knows this is the very short, short set up for the book/movie.
This movie is easily my favorite of the series thus far. It blends and balances humor, adolescent awkwardness, drama, and suspense together practically perfectly. You have the main characters acting like normal teenagers with all the pitfalls of hormones, dating, and snogging (make-out sessions for the yanks). So the best parts are…in no particular order: humor, Slughorn, Snape, and Malfoy. Let’s break it down.
The humor in this movie is appropriate and well timed and executed. Some of you may remember my review of Ice Age 3. One of my main complaints was that the humor was too vulgar for a kid’s movie. This movie, by contrast, has a couple of “mature” jokes but they are subtle in the way British humor can be with more wit and layers of meaning. Let me give you an example. Ron is trying out for the quidditch team. He is competing against a bigger, jockier Cormac McLaggen for the keeper position. They are also showing off for the girls in the audience. Cormac is given what seems to be an overly large and girthy broomstick while Ron has a more modest model. Now had the makers of Ice Age made this movie, an attractive female character would probably offer to wax Cormac’s broomstick and Ron’s broomstick would droop (magically) in disappointment. As you can see, the same comparison of broomsticks to genitals was made but Harry Potter comes out on top for subtlety and tact. The humor in this movie stems from the awkwardness of youth. That time in your life when you start to notice members of the opposite sex. I don’t really want to spoil too many of the jokes but I will say that the scenes with Lavender Brown are awesome. That girl has some comedic chops. The last thing I’ll say about the humor is that it does a good job of lightening the mood away from some of the heavier events happening around it. In some films, humor can be disjointed and off putting, breaking the tension and losing the audience. This movie has none of that. You go from serious to funny and back again without losing focus or flow of narrative.
The acting performances stood out in this film. The films have always been a who’s who of classically trained British actors from Alan Rickman to Maggie Smith and this installment is no exception. The new addition to the cast this time around is Jim Broadbent as potions teacher, Professor Slughorn. Broadbent plays the role almost exactly as I pictured him while I was reading the book. You get a real sense of someone who carries a very deep shame and regret and is fighting to keep it a secret. All the other actors give the same quality performances that we have come to expect from them. I do want to give specific kudos to a couple of performers, Alan Rickman, and Tom Felton. Rickman is given quite a few more scenes in this one and pretty much steals any scene he’s in. He even steals scenes where he’s just in the background as you can just imagine what his character is thinking. Oh the scorn and disgust. As a disclaimer, I have been a huge fan of Rickman’s work since Die Hard and Robin Hood Prince of Thieves. The other performance that bears mention is Tom Felton as Draco Malfoy. This time around Malfoy is given whole new levels of character. He really moves from being just a jerky bully to that borderline between evil and good. You really see him struggle with the task he has to complete. Nowhere is it more apparent than in the final scenes. If you’ve read the book you know what I’m talking about. Felton plays it just like the character would, given all that’s happened so far. Not to leave them out, the main actors are good as well. This cast has really matured well as the movies go along. The movies get more complex and so do their performances.
What’s not so good you ask?
Harry Potter purists may take offense at all the material left out of the film. But that wasn’t my problem. I’ve always seen the films as a supplement to the books. The only problem I had was the lack of half blood prince storyline. In case you haven’t read the book, Harry comes into the possession of a potions textbook that was once owned by a self proclaimed “half blood prince” (hbp). Hpb left thorough notes in the margin of said textbook that basically carry Harry through potions class. In the end, Harry becomes very attached to the book and begins to relate to the character of hbp. Then he finds out who it is and is shaken by the revelation. The problem the film had was that it didn’t have the time to develop the relationship Harry had with hbp. So, the revelation at the end feels very tacked on and out of left field. If they could have gotten away with it, the makers might have been better off to drop some of it and then rename the movie. Really that’s a small complaint in a film this good. I will say one thing, though. If you haven’t read the books or seen the movies in a while you may want to get caught up a little before seeing this film so that you can remind yourself of all the characters.
So far I’ve done a pretty good job of avoiding spoilers. From now on I will be spoiling parts of the movie/book as I discuss some of the departures from the source material.
I’m going to put in my unicorn rating here. That way you can get my overall impression without reading the spoilers ahead.
5/5 - Punched in the face by AWESOME!
Okay so what did they change? Not too much, other than leaving some stuff out. I’m not going to discuss all that was left out more what they changed.
The opening is completely different. Instead of Dumbledore coming to pick up Harry at the Dursleys, he instead picks up Harry in a subway station. I don’t know what the reason for this was other than to move the story along a little faster. You don’t have the interaction between Dumbledore and Harry’s extened family. This may not seem significant except that it set up a couple things in the final film, such as the reason for Petunia’s utter dislike of all things magical even though her sister was a witch.
The filmmakers actually do add a scene into the film. This is the first time that anything has been added to the stories. Everyone is celebrating Christmas at the Weasley’s home when they are attacked by death eaters. They fly in, start some fires, rattle their sticks, and fly out. Over all this scene seems unnecessary. We know death eaters are jerks. We really don’t need this scene to prove it. It does show that no one is safe from their attacks, though, and that may have been the point.
The ending also has some odd differences from the book. I’ll take them in order. Harry is not in the room when Dumbledore is killed. Dumbledore tells him to hide below and not to make any noise. I thought this was an interesting choice. I think, in a way, it draws a parallel between Harry and Malfoy. Malfoy is charged with killing Dumbledore and does it out of a fear of death. Harry must sit back and watch it all happen and not interfere and he does it out of loyalty and devotion to Dumbledore. It also serves to galvanize Harry into taking out Voldemort as he, Harry, now has some guilt over his inability to save Dumbledore. After killing Dumbledore, Snape and the death eaters just walk out of Hogwarts. In the book, there was more of a to do. They had an actual fight with the faculty and students. I’m not sure why they did it this way other than the book ending would have been costly in stunts and effects. Hopefully they will redeem themselves with the fight at the end of the seventh book. Lastly, the movie seems to end before Dumbledore’s funeral. My hope is that they will open the first part of the seventh movie with the funeral. I guess I could live without the funeral scene but it would have been a nice tribute to the character of Dumbledore. I know the movies are about Harry but Dumbledore is the Gandalf of the Harry Potter universe.
So that’s my take on the new movie. Next week, I should be back on some Star Wars related content.
Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs
Jul 10th
What better way to beat the Tatooine heat than in an air conditioned theater? And what better movie to see than Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs? I mean this movie just screams cool with it’s boundless Hoth-like ice vistas and waist high snowdrifts. Well all may not be well in this threequal.
I should have known I was in trouble just based on the trailers alone. I think I’ll start there. First, there was G-force, the movie about guinea pig spies with famous actor voices. I remember when a Jerry Bruckheimer movie meant something instead of mindless Disney action crap. Next came Fame. This trailer spent most of it’s time comparing itself to Harry Potter. I know that when I think of Hogwarts school for witchcraft and wizardry, I immediately conjure images of inner city dance offs. Although it would be funny to hear Harry tell Voldemort that he “got served.” After that was Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. Here we have another attempt to take a very short, well loved picture book and bastardize it into a cash cow. I don’t think the movie has anything to do with the source material other than the title and, at some point it does, in fact, rain meatballs. Then there was the inevitable sequel or “squeakquel” to Alvin and the Chipmunks. Now with Chipettes!! One trailer that did look good was the trailer for the cg remake of the japanese anime, Astroboy. And last, but not least, Aliens in the Attic. Aliens invade tween home and tweens fight back. Really the only reason to see this is the fight sequence between senile grandma and d-bag boyfriend of love interest (Grandma does a spinning uppercut right out of street fighter.) So unless I get desperate or have to take the niece to the movies, I’ll be spending a lot of time not going to movies in the next few months. Seriously when did children’s movies get so bad and uninspired? I think I died a little inside when the audience got excited about Alvin 2. Anyway enough with this let’s get on to what you really wanted to find out about, Ice Age 3.
To sum up, Ice Age Dawn of the Dinosaurs is another animated sequel that is unnecessary and should not have been released in theaters. I feel this film would have been better served as a direct to video sequel as opposed to a theatrical release. Let me explain that a little. The movie isn’t horrible and unwatchable, but it is not up to par with the previous films or other films of its kind.
Let’s start with the good. All the original actors are back for this one and they all do the best with what they are given. The animation is very good. One of the bench marks I look for in cg film is how well the animators can render wet fur. This may seem like a minor thing but picture in your head a real wet dog. Now move in close and look at the fur, the randomness of pattern and clumping, the look of the skin underneath. Anyway Ice Age does deliver some impressive work with the cg. Ice age has always had a more stylized look than some other films but this one definitely has some polish on that style. The fur looks good. The addition of dinosaurs into the mix adds some new textures to the pallet and they look good as well. One shot in particular was pretty impressive, the dino-dogfight scene. Buck and the possums are riding on the back of a Pterodactyl and engage in a pretty impressive dogfight with other flying dinosaurs, swooping through canyons, engines “stalling out,” near misses of cliffs and canyon walls etc. The last thing that was good about this was the new addition Buck the weasel voiced by Simon Pegg. Buck is a their guide in the land of dinosaurs. Since he is the only mammal living among dinosaurs, he has gone a little crazy. His off hand comments and insane ramblings were the only source of humor I found in this film. I did have some problems with him as well but I’ll get into those when I discuss my overall problems with the film.
Which is now.
I had some minor problems and then one major problem with this film. We’ll start small and build.
I’m not sure who the humor in this movie was written for. There are a couple of jokes that are meant for an adult audience but this is a family/children’s film. I’ll try not to spoil too much of the movie but I have to tell you what the jokes were so you know what my concerns are. Here they are with no context or set up: Milking a bull, performing sex change operations with seashells, and butterflies “coming out.” I realize that these probably went over the heads of many of the kids in the audience but that doesn’t mean they were appropriate. My wife made a good point, “It’s like cussing in front of your baby. Yeah they don’t understand it but that doesn’t mean you should do it.” Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a raunch fest as much as any other red blooded american male but there is a time and place for it. I really don’t want to have the image in my head of Sid the sloth grabbing a big ol’ handful of yak penis. If I was watching something by national lampoon’s or judd apatow, sure why not, but here just seemed inappropriate. As a counter point to this low brow humor, the filmmakers threw in a high brow reference. Buck is compared to Captain Ahab from Moby Dick. Even including a scene were he sits atop a mast-like tree as Rudy the great white dinosaur circles in the curling tempest of storm clouds. To be honest, I’m not too sure how many people in the audience caught the Moby Dick reference.
Along the lines of odd humor are the squirrels. I know that he is a stable of this series and must make an appearance but by this point his adventures are getting sad. Let him get the acorn already! His quest is hampered this time by a female squirrel, Skratte. This part I didn’t particularly have a problem with. He seemed like a pretty attractive but bumbling squirrel. He should find some love in his life and their Tom and Jerry antics and “sexual tension” was amusing for the most part. Where it gets weird is when the two squirrels finally hook up, the acorn gets jealous. Yeah you read that right, they are somehow able to make an inanimate object have an emotion. I do have to give them kudos for that except that at the time I was a little unnerved by it. For one, it’s an acorn, and two if Scrat were to ever get the acorn, he would eat it. I love pizza but I wouldn’t want to have sex with it. By the same token, I love my wife but don’t have the slightest inclination to eat her. See how this movie takes a kind of weird turn.
Now you may be thinking to yourself, “huh if he had this much trouble with these ‘minor’ problems, what could out rank them as a ‘major’ problem?” That’s a good question and let me answer it by saying that the movie seemed to have no strong moral, message, or purposeful plot. That major enough for you? Let me get you up to speed. Manny and Elle are expecting their first child. Diego is starting to feel a little old and not really wanting be a part of the new family about to happen. Sid can’t wait to babysit the baby mammoth but being the clumsy fool he is, Manny is reluctant to let him anywhere near the baby once it’s born. Sid decides to start his own family and stumbles upon 3 dinosaur eggs that he decides to raise. The mom comes back and kidnaps Sid to the land of dinosaurs. I think you can probably figure out where the story goes from here. And that’s part of the problem. That’s all there is to the story, rescue Sid. I realize that there are only so many plots in the world and that most of them can be simply stated in a couple of words. What makes a good story, and especially a kid’s story, is the message or theme that ties it all together and enriches it. Dawn of the Dinosaurs has no over arching message or theme. There are a bunch of mini themes but none of them is big enough to carry the movie. The first movie dealt with the idea of what makes up a herd (family). Different animals coming together for their mutual betterment in spite of their differences. The second was all about Manny’s need for companionship and fear of being the last of his kind. The third one just seemed to be thrown together with no purpose. It’s just an adventure they have but no one really learns or grows as a character. They could have gone a lot of directions. Manny learns that he could be a good parent. Sid and Diego find mates of their own so everyone can start families. The dinosaur land is threatened by global cooling and they have to save the dinosaur environment. See what I did there? I came up with a few themes in the span of about 5 minutes that would have tied this movie together.
Plus the characters make dumb choices. The main one being Elle, in the final stages of pregnancy, following them into the land of dinosaurs. I don’t have experience with late term pregnant women but I think the last thing they would want in their 9th month is adventure that includes running away from velociraptors. I know Queen Latifah is awesome and all and stole the second movie but that doesn’t mean you have to shoe horn her into a movie where her character doesn’t belong.
In summation, your kids will like this movie. The images are pretty. The action fast paced. The physical humor juvenile. Educated and discerning adults, however, may not find the movie as good. You may think that I would give this a 1 or 0 rating but it wasn’t that bad, just muddy and off. If you liked the other ones, you’ll enjoy it, but probably not love it.
I give it:
2/5 - For the already converted ONLY!
A Short List of Movies to Watch this Summer
Jul 3rd
When you’re sitting on your couch wearing nothing but your underwear because it’s so damn hot that your’re sweating so much anything more than just a pair of boxers sticks to your skin like duct tape, do you really want to watch a movie where heat plays an important role? No, of course you don’t. But, hey you gotta pass the lazy Sunday afternoons of June/July/August somehow, so why not waste some of that time with one of the following, kilian approved, summer viewing movies.
To be clear, the following movies are not, repeat not, “films.” This is pure popcorn fair meant to help stave off the inevitable doldrums that creep up when the temperature begins to rise. But, of course, this list is also not about big budget summer films either. My hope is that you haven’t seen one or two of these and, so might fill an afternoon here or there.
Black Belt Jones
If Shaft and Bruce Lee’s retarded cousin had a torrid love affair, Black Belt Jones would be the result. This movie is, possibly, the worst kung-fu and exploitation film ever made, all rolled into one! What more could you ask for, really, in summer entertainment. Plus, Black Belt Jones, at one point, fights a gang of ruffians in a car wash.
Death Bed
If you’re a Patton Oswalt fan, then you might already be familiar with this little gem. If not, well let me be the first to tell you that you have not lived…that’s right, have not lived…until you see “Death Bed, The Bed That Eats.” In case you don’t quite get the concept, it goes like this…there’s a bed, that is possessed with a demon, that eats people and oozes a sort of yellow foam for some reason. Also, at one point the Death Bed eats a guy’s hand…well, all the flesh off his hand…he still has a skeleton hand. Rather than scream in agony, as one might reasonably do in that situation, this guy takes a few quiet, contemplative moments to consider his predicament before dying.
Army of Darkness
I’m willing to bet that nearly everyone reading this is at least familiar with Army of Darkness. I would be remiss, however, in not including it in any list of films to watch. Tengu and I have a long standing argument over what is the most quotable movie of all time…and while I do love Big Trouble in Little China, this is my list so Army of Darkness gets the nod. If you haven’t seen it…good god!…go rent it, right now!
One Crazy Summer
OK, so I wasn’t going to make this a list of “movies about summer” but I had to throw in the best movie ever made about a summer. It stars John Cusack. Right there, that’s good enough for any film. It’s also a film that features both Bobcat Goldthwait and Demi Moore. Plus, the little screaming girls are awesome. And, it ends with a sailboat race.
Mean Machine
No doubt, you are all familiar with The Longest Yard…both crappy, Burt Reynolds original, and really crappy Adam Sandler remake. What you might not be aware of, however, is that there was a good remake done in England starring Vinnie Jones and since it is also set in England, crappy American football was replaced with awesome Proper Football. Also, Jason Statham plays a psychotic goalie.
Blues Brothers
I’m willing to admit that Mean Machine up there is a cheater title, but since not a lot of people on this side of the Atlantic have seen it, it’s only a slightly cheating one. Blues Brothers, of course, is a completely cheating title in that every right thinking person has seen it. But, this is a truly personal choice on my part. You see, I spent the summer between 8th and 9th grades watching the Blues Brothers…everyday…often two or three times. At one point I could recite 95% of the lines in time with the movie. It’s got awesome musical numbers featuring Aretha Franklin, James Brown, Ray Charles and even Cab Calloway. Plus, it has the single greatest speech ever delivered on film (and a pretty decent car chase shortly thereafter).
whip cracker