Dear Parker,

I used to like you. I mean, not in a sexual way…well, in a bit of a sexual way. I mean, you’ve been in like every Christopher Guest film, so you obviously do some serious rocking, and I’ve often (OK, maybe once or twice) found myself thinking, “I appreciate Parker Posey’s eccentric brand of quirky comedy.”

But now I have a question for you Parker. Have you suffered some traumatic injury recently that has damaged your ability to understand humor?

That is the only possible explanation that might adequately explain why you would say this:

There’s so much frat boy humor out there now. This whole Judd Apatow craze - I don’t like it. It excludes girls, and it doesn’t do anything particularly great for our culture. Getting wasted, throwing up, ignoring your girlfriend, who gets that? I consider myself funny, and I don’t (get it).

First off, let’s just put aside the whole “Judd Apatow” comment for a minute and consider your own work. Christopher Guest could film a steaming pile of dog shit for two hours and I’d gladly pay 10 bucks to sit my ass in a dark theatre to watch it, but last time I checked, mockumentaries about failed community theatre actors and washed up folk singers didn’t exactly “do anything particularly great for our culture.” It’s not like you people were making Schindler’s List for fucks sake!

OK, now let’s consider you’re assertion that Judd Apatow is frat boy humor. First of all, have you even seen 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up or Superbad? My guess is that you’ve seen the trailers, but not the films. Do they include gross and drug related humor, yes. Does that automatically make it frat boy? If you haven’t seen them, then, sure why not.

40 Year Old Virgin, for instance, has a main character who is 40 years old and a virgin! Not exactly you’re frat boy poster child. He is a character that is more concerned with finding a woman to love then one to fuck. Good god! That’s a fucking revelation! His, ahem, “friends” are certainly in the frat boy mold, but guess what, it’s called “character.” It would have been a seriously boring and unfunny film without the Seth Rogan, Paul Rudd, and Romany Malco characters.

Knocked Up, whether you want to admit it or not, does include a strong female character. I’ve read reviews that called the Katherine Heigl character flat, but I didn’t find her any more disingenuous then, say, an overly schizophrenic weimaraner owner with a chew toy obsession…but that’s just me. And you can say what you want about the humor in that film, but it’s ultimately about a guy who, heaven forbid, accepts his responsibilities as a soon to be parent and straightens out his life. You know what, that shit Apatow really needs to stop making this stoner bullshit!

And what about Superbad? Well, that’s actually not an Apatow directed film, but I’m sure that you’d throw it in with the others. Maybe you didn’t understand it because you were never a 17 year old boy, but let me tell you that it was one of the most sincere, heartfelt, and flat out funny movies of the past decade! No joke. And you know what, the Michael Cera character could have slept with his dream girl when she was completely shit-faced, and yet he didn’t because he actually HAD FEELINGS FOR HER!

Seriously, have you seen any of these films?

You know what? Don’t bother with them. Do yourself a favor and go rent…no, just go buy it, you’ll thank me…Freak and Geeks, watch the whole thing, and then tell me that Judd Apatow hasn’t done something worthwhile for our culture

Love,

Dear Tina,

This is the second time in two days that I have written one of these letters. Yesterday, I read that Parker Posey had made some disparaging remarks about Judd Apatow, and I felt compelled to respond (though it is doubtful Ms. Parker, or anyone for that matter, gives a rat’s ass about said response…).

And today I read that you have similarly disparaged John Stewart:

Fey tells Reader’s Digest she prefers it when audience members laugh rather than applaud because, “You can prompt applause with a sign.” She added, “My friend Seth Meyers coined the term ‘clapter,’ which is when you do a political joke and people go, ‘Woo-hoo.’ It means they sort of approve but didn’t really like it that much. You hear a lot of that on [whispers] ‘The Daily Show.’ ”

Now I’m willing to admit that you were pretty enjoyable as co-anchor on Weekend Update. I am also willing to admit that, despite all of my innate sense of what is right and good, Mean Girls is very good film.

But I have to ask…how far up your anal cavity have you shoved your ego inflated head, you stupid cow?

Seriously!

Last time I checked, John Stewart’s worst bits on The Daily Show were 10 times funnier than anything you ever did on SNL. And while we’re on the subject of SNL, how, exactly, did it feel to be the head writer during a time when, pretty much everyone and their mother, agreed that the show was a mere shell of its once glorious self?

I think I’ve watched about 10 total minutes of 30 Rock since it has been on, so maybe I’m talking out of my ass here, but it seems to me that it wants to be a good 30 minute long comedy (Flight of the Conchords, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and 10 Items or Less come to mind), but it can’t. Maybe it’s you, and maybe it isn’t but I have to seriously question anyone who questions John Stewart’s ability to make an audience laugh.

Oh, and by the way, quoting Seth Myers as some kind of “comedic expert” is like going to Dr. Seuss for medical advice.

Now I’m willing to admit that maybe this whole thing was taken out of context. It is certainly hard to read a satiric remark in print and understand its full meaning. And we are talking about a quote showing up on the New York Post…so skepticism of the source is an issue. But I get the sense, from other interviews of yours that I’ve seen and read, that you believe yourself to be one of the funniest people in America.

Guess what?

You’re not!

But John Stewart is…so kindly shut your stupid pie hole!

Love,

Dear John, Steve, JK, and WB,

How are you guys?

I hope you’re all feeling well.

I understand that there are currently some tensions between Ms. Rowling and Mr. Vander Ark and Mr. Buechler and Warner Brothers, and I was hoping that I might lend a word or two in the hopes that everyone can reach some sort of compromise.
Now Ms. Rowling, in the declaration that was filed in District court against Mr. Vander Ark you said that you were “very frustrated that a former fan has tried to co-opt my work for financial gain.”

My response to this is fourfold:

1. Take your head out of your ass.

2. I doubt, given the time and effort it would take to compile the HP Lexicon, that the man you are suing would call himself a “former fan.”

3. Exactly how much money do you have? No, that wasn’t a rhetorical question, I really want to know how much you have because I am willing to bet that even if the HP Lexicon were published and sold a million copies, Mr. Vander Ark (the Lexicon’s author) still wouldn’t have 1 tenth of the money you have, so let’s just all admit that he isn’t really taking money out of your already very deep pockets.

4. And finally, please try and understand that what Mr. Vander Ark (and others, who write fan-fiction, for instance) is doing will only help to continue the life of the books/universe you created and, in the long run, will mean that more of your books will sell (to future generations), which will, I’m sure you are aware, equate to you making even more money so…please take your head out of your ass.

My assumption is that this whole lawsuit was really just a way for you and your publishers to force Mr. Vander Ark to cut you in on the profits of the HP Lexicon…which brings me to John Buechler and Warner Brothers.

So Mr. Buechler co-wrote and directed a film called Troll which was released in 1986. An interesting bit of trivia about this movie, the main character is named Harry Potter Jr. Now I’m willing to admit that maybe Ms. Rowling never saw the movie. I mean, it isn’t like Harry and Potter are ridiculously obscure names in the English language, but…there are more similarities between Mr. Buechler’s film and Ms. Rowling’s books.

So you, Warner Brothers, have threatened Mr. Buechler with a lawsuit if he moves along with production on a remake of the film, claiming that you will “protect your rights” or something. Now I’m no legal scholar here, but I don’t exactly understand how you can “protect” the name of a character when that same name occurred in someone’s work a decade before is showed up in the work you now distribute. Unless you have a time machine tucked in the corner of a lot somewhere and you plan to go back to 1985 and stop Buechler from writing his script, I’m not sure exactly how else you can “protect your rights.”

Seriously WB, where the hell are you getting off?

Look, the history of the written word is a history of theft and plagiarism. Shakespeare…fucking Shakespeare…”borrowed” from mythological and historical sources for nearly every one of his plays. Now I’m not calling you a plagiarist, Ms. Rowling, but what I am saying is that you can’t try and pass yourself off as having never read, seen, or heard anything ever. It’s pretty well documented that you “came up with the idea while on a train from Manchester to London” or whatever. But you didn’t live in a vacuum, no one does. So for WB to threaten legal action against Buechler for possibly using a character he wrote 10 years before you wrote a character with the same name just seems to be the most ironic thing I’ve ever heard.

And, of course, you, Ms. Rowling, and WB, have had a fairly large amount of court dates over the years. I totally understand the need to protect a piece of intellectual property like HP. I get it. People want to take a bite out of that shiny apple any way they can. But at a certain point, one stops becoming the victim and starts becoming the victimizer.

So please, Ms. Rowling, for the sake of what’s left of your already money-tainted soul, drop the suit. Warner Brothers, I know it’s hard, being as your a movie studio and all, but try and realize that you are not god, did not invent sliced bread, and stop being such a big pile of dick wagging douche bags. Mr. Buechler, I hope you produce your remake and I hope that the main character is named Harry Potter Jr. And Mr. Vander Ark, I hope you get to release the book that you’ve poured your time and work into.

Love,
Kilian

Dear Hollywood,

I know that I haven’t been around lately. I’ve only seen like four movies in a theatre over the last year. I’m sorry about that. I know I used to visit a theatre at least once (often twice) a week, and watch a lot of DVD’s. But, you know, grad school, the kid, work…it’s all a bit much and I just don’t have the free time like I used to. I am trying to get better though, honest. And now that we’ve taken the kid to see her first movie in a theatre, I’m sure we’ll start seeing more of each other in the near future.

And since we are getting toward the summer season, there are a few films that I’m going to definitely try and see at the theatre. But then today I read this article from the LA Times.

And Frank Miller (living demi-god that he is) is totally right. It is WAY more fun to read a comic then a movie script. And I get that comics make a pretty nice adaptation, film wise, as they work as a script and storyboard in one. But please, for the love of god, stop already!

Yes, there has been some success in comic to film adaptations. And I don’t mean monetary success. The X-Men films made three barn sized piles of cash, but guess what…they weren’t good. Really. No, I’m serious. They were bad. Bad, bad. And the second Spider Man was pretty solid (except for that whole “it’s fusion we can’t stop it…oh wait, the river” ending…I mean, SERIOUSLY?). In the interest of full disclosure I’ll just say it, I didn’t see number 3. I couldn’t. Look, any universe in which Spider Man gets his black suit, but does not do so as part of a secret “war” between Marvel heroes and villains on a distant alien planet is no universe I wish to have any contact with…

I realize that last statement paints me as nothing other then a hardcore geek. I’m fine with that. I can accept my lot in life. It’s just that, I think a lot of other geeks might feel the same way. Was it cool to see Spidey up on the big screen in all his web-slinging glory. Of course. Was it worth sitting through the bad and then horrible Batman, and then having to endure the ensuing dark years, to finally get to the greatest film incarnation of the Caped Crusader (so far)…barely.

What I’m asking here is, when is enough, enough? You know, I’ve never been big on the Fantastic Four. Don’t no why, just was never my thing. But Dr. Doom is the shit…and you nearly killed that character…I mean, totally crushed him into non-existence did he suck so bad!

I’m willing to give Iron Man a shot if for no other reason than Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark is, at the same time, both inspired and typecasting…which is not something you get everyday.

But after that…and, you know…can’t we let it rest for a while?

OK, Watchmen has to come out at this point. I mean, I’m guardedly optimistic. V for Vendetta was actually pretty good…although, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen was possibly the worst thing I’ve seen since Wild Wild West…no I take that back, at least Wild Wild West had Salma Hayek in some underwear in one scene…

And alright! Please finish Y the Last Man…but that’s it!

Please Hollywood, stop the abuse. We, the geek community, are just the same nerdy, socially inept guy we were back in high school. And yeah, we’ll still do your physics homework, because you’re cute, and blonde and have big boobs. But it isn’t right, and it isn’t fair. Go and find some other group’s collective dreams and loves to exploit for a while. Please!

Love,
kilian

Rancid - Listed MIA

Hey Glenn,

How you been? Family OK? The world seems to be treating you well. I mean, you have that whole “show” thing going on and that seems to be working out well. Plus, you’ve no doubt boosted your ratings in the last week or so thanks to various rants regarding video games in general, and Grand Theft Auto IV in particular. Now Glenn, can I call you Glenn? So anyway, I really could care less what opinions someone holds who, in a nationally broadcast tv program, ponders whether or not Barack Obama is the Antichrist:

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