This was an incoming link today…

I’m not sure how that makes me feel that our little webcomic came up on the first page on a search for “vouyerisum”.

In some ways, it’s kinda cool to come up on the first page on a search for anything, no matter how ridiculous the search term or how small the search engine.

On the other hand, it seems that pervs with poor command of the English language are our core audience.

Then again, at least we have a core audience.

As any faithful reader should know, Gilgrim and April are “expecting” in the biblical sense.

So as the fateful day approaches, I thought it wise to regail the happy couple (and, by default, anyone reading this) with a bit of wisdom gained from 14 months of parenthood. And that bit of wisdom:

Parenthood ages you like nobody’s business!

On Thursday, I was having a rousing e-mail discussion with Mojo of Poor Mojo’s “various sundrys” about the ridiculousness of housing, particularly in the Golden State when said Mojo ended one of his replies with “tyvm.”

Now I was never up on the netspeak, but I could usually figure out crap like that, back in the day, say a year and a half ago, when I still felt some “connection” to the kids.

But that “tyvm” was so totally perplexing to me that I had to have Mojo translate. That’s how sadly out of touch I am.

Then came the weekend. MTV was playing a “So You Think You Can Dance” season 2 marathon all day Saturday and Sunday. Now I didn’t watch every single minute of the thing, but I certainly watched a lot more of it than, say, is healthy.

One minute to digress….let it be emphatically said that I do not, nor does my wife, or anyone even remotely connected to my house, watch Dancing with the Stars. The difference between the two shows might seem negligible to some. But one has B and C level celebrities with no appreciable appititude to dance or any dance related activity barely scraping through routines set to horribly contrived “renditions” of terrible songs that should in know way ever be accompanied by choreography. The other has actual, skilled DANCERS, performing actual DANCING, choreographed by good choreographers and accompanied by appropriate music. Can you guess which is which? Now, you may not appreciate dance, as is certainly your right. But my wife danced for 15 years, and it’s something that is taken seriously in our house (though, maybe not as seriously as, say, baseball or Premier League Football).

Do I think it is possible I would have watched so much “So You Think You Can Dance?” before I had a kid….well, I suppose anything is possible. But it certainly would have been highly improbable. Now….? The evidence speaks for itself.

So, be wary innocent expecting couple. You will find many changes occurring in your lives soon. Not all of them will sit well with the image you have of your former self.

I’m not exactly sure what prompted the following story. It was a fairly normal workshop, by all accounts, but at one point last night, Powers launched into what, I believe, is possibly the best story I’ve ever heard. Or, at the very least, the best story about the writing world that I’ve ever heard. So I’m going to now “go into” the voice of Powers, in an attempt to recreate the story as accurately as possible….

But let it be known that this is not, or in no way should be construed as, an accurate reproduction of the ACTUAL words that Powers’ said. It’s a dramatic recreation, if you will, for effect…

“So I got my hands on a German version of one of my books. And I noticed that at one point in the book, the typefaced changed for a couple of pages, then when back to the normal typeface. I wasn’t sure if it was just a printer error or not. So some time later I had someone who actually read German take a look at the book.

So at the point in the book where the hero gets off the phone and says to another character, ‘She’s tied to a railroad track, we only have ten minutes, let’s go,’ and then the jump a car and take off.

But where the typeface changes, this version goes, ‘She’s tied to a railroad track, we only have ten minutes,’ and the other character says, ‘But do we have time for soup?’ ‘Well, what kind of soup?’ ‘Maggi Soup.’ ‘What kinds do we have?’ ‘All 12 delicious flavors.’ and it continued like that for a bit before returning to the story.

So I checked another one of my German books and the same thing was there. Then I called William Gibson, who had the same German publisher, and asked him if he had ever seen different typeface in any of his books released in Germany, and the exact same thing had happened in Neuromancer.

Now my point here isn’t that I object to the advertisement being inserted, but that if you want it in there, let me write it. Plus, it was always inserted at a moment of really high tension, and one character would say, ‘But do we have time for soup?’ Wouldn’t it make more sense to just put it in a place where it looks natural?”

And a few minutes with google shows that it must have been a fairly common practice for this particular publisher. I’d be interested to know if,

A. It was only done with sci-fi and fantasy writers?

and,

B. If anyone, anywhere, has a catalogue of all the books/editions that this was done in, cause that would be something worth collecting.

Let’s say I had an idea about a story, or better yet, a film script.

Now this script was going to be somewhat avantgarde, kind of meta-fictional. The idea is this, I’m going to write a script about a local theatre company that is producing a live-action version of a bad, 15 year old action film. Let’s say, hypothetically, that film is Point Break. Now here’s the the really “meta” part of it. Every time the play is performed, the company randomly selects an audience member to play the title role of Johnny Utah (the role that Keanu Reeves had in the film). And to capture the true essence of Reeve’s performance, the audience member will read all of his/her lines off of cue cards.

This idea, while obviously ridiculous, is not totally unworkable. In a Christopher Guest sort of vein, it might very well work. But that would be in a clear satirical voice, in a world that is only related to ours, but in way meant to mirror reality.

And I’d say to you…

Well…

THAT’S A REAL FUCKING STORY!!!!!!!!!

Some times, not often, but every once in a while I impress myself with a sentence, or a thought, or an idea that I think is particularly original. And I’ve spent the better part of a decade writing seriously, but there is no god-damned way in hell I could ever come up with something as clearly shit-ball crazy as that.

It’s times like this that I really question my decision to pursue a career in the creative arts.

Because, when you get right down to it, the internet is the only place/thing/invention to be able to really chronicle the sheer insane ridiculousness of the human race. I assume that humans have always been as fucked up as they are now, it’s just that, in the age of information, we are WAY more aware of it.

If the theatrical adaptation of a 2-bit action film starring 3-bit actors wasn’t enough to convince you, then please read this.

It’s a report about one group of Klan members protesting (as in actual, go out in the streets and march) another group of Klan members who, themselves, are doing a protest.

I realize I have a penchant for hyperbole, but I swear to GOD, that might be the most awesomest thing I’ve ever read on a news site.

I’m reminded of the film version of Kurt Vonnegut’s Mother Night and Frankie Faison’s portrayal of Robert Sterling Wilson the “black Fuehrer of Harlem.”

I really think there’s a story here, and I don’t mean the “reported” story. I mean a flesh and blood piece of fiction. Someone like Vonnegut could really do wonders with the idea of competing groups of racists protesting each other. Of course, I realize, a bit wistfully, that I am not the person to take said “facts” and turn them into fiction…