Oh how the mighty do fall.
Ok, so here we go talking about our favorite, or least favorite, train wrecks. There have been a few in recent memory that have stood out. I mean where to begin, “Indian Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” (I try to pretend it didn’t happen), “Beowulf” (I love the poem and to say that there are going to be a lot of students who are about to fail tests because of the lack of fidelity in this is a huge understatement), “All Star Batman and Robin” (Mr. Miller I love your old stuff but not everyone is Marv and Jim Lee if you make a commitment to turn in pages you should do just that).
You know what? I’m going to go back to the first thing on the above list. My biggest train wreck is not a thing, it isn’t a film or a television show, not a comic or a gadget. No ladies and gents my biggest train wreck, the thing that I find the most repulsive in recent history, is a person and that person is…
(drum roll please)
And why is he my biggest train wreck, you may ask. Quite simply, as we were discussing a few weeks ago, George Lucas raped my childhood.
Let us begin with the holy trilogy. To start out Han shoots first god damn it, HAN ALWAYS SHOOTS FIRST!!!! That is what makes Han a bad ass; he is all about the preemptive strike. Greedo is a lame character and to allow him to even get a shot off lowers Han. Oh let’s see what else. When was the last time you heard a Jedi scream like a little bitch when he was falling…never! Jedi are intergalactic samurai and samurai do not scream like little bitches. Plus, what the hell are you doing taking Sebastian Shaw out and replacing him with Hayden Christensen (the guy has all the acting chops of a rock) in Return of the Jedi?
Then there is the total debacle that are Episodes 1, 2, and 3; microscopic organisms in the blood stream, Anakin is a little girl man. Jar Jar Binks (need I say more).
It was only after the end of “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” that I finally got it. George Lucas is laughing at us. He sits in his throne of power over at Skywalker ranch and says to himself “George, how can I get into the fans pockets today and then make them depressed about something they once loved? Oh I know! How about I create a movie in which one of cinemas most beloved heroes survives a nuclear blast at ground zero, then finds his long lost son who forces him to ride on the back of a motorcycle like a little bitch (my Indy would have said “Move over kid, I’m driving”) then throw in some intelligent ants, a man swinging through trees like a monkey, and a shit load of aliens.”
To thee George Lucas, I say nay. No longer shall I be duped into spending my hard earned cash on your garbage. No longer will I get my hopes up for something that should be awesome but clearly is no more than a joke to its creator. I scream to the heavens, NO MORE GEORGE LUCAS! I have never before rated a person on a scale of o to five before but let it be known that Lucas only receives a grade high because of my fond child hood memories before he ruined everything…
1/5 - Basic shite.
lol!, good stuff man, good stuff.
I think we should start fielding calls for counseling on this subject. We who grew up with The Empire Strikes Back need closure.