A Small Piece of My Childhood Will Soon Be Nothing More Than a Steaming Pile of Crap

Some time ago I mentioned that I was guardedly optimistic about the upcoming GI Joe film. The time has come, though, to quash the optimism and just call a spade a spade. The film will be bad. How bad? Remember Dungeons and Dragons? It too had a certain actor with a certain name that rhymed with Maynes…

Still not convinced that GI Joe will GI blow? See what I did there? I’m hysterical. Anyway, if you need further proof of its undeniable suckage, check out this poster:

Now, for those of you who can’t tell, that’s the Joes there on the bottom. I know what you’re thinking…didn’t the Joes all have different uniforms. Not in this iteration, by golly! And why the hell does Stormshadow look like a waiter from a fancy restaurant with a mask on?

There is at least one cool part in the trailer:

See this line right here, this is where I would have embedded the trailer, but I guess Paramont didn’t want free advertising for their movie because you can’t embed the official trailer from youtube…fucking brilliant!

Anyway, if you do want to watch it, you can do so here.

The Eiffel Tower getting obliterated like that is pretty damn sweet, but that happens (I’m guessing) about 10 minutes into the movie, after which the audience gets subjected to “accelerator suits.” WTF? Did not Christopher Nolan and Robert Rodriguez (remember how awesome Sin City was?) prove that the best way to be successful with a live action version of anything is to be respectful of the source material and not, NOT, treat it like a two-bit whore whose only role is to be raped and left in the gutter?

OK, maybe that was a bit of a strong analogy.

Anyway, now there are rumors and (of course) conflicting official statements regarding the involvement of Stephen Sommers. Honestly, though, what has that guy done well since the first Mummy?

Maybe now that Watchmen has come out and been good we should get Obama to place a moratorium on live action version films of anything that was awesome before hollywood got involved.

Oingo Boingo — Only a Lad

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