Hey everyone, Stoker again. So here’s the deal, I tuned into the last half hour of the MTV movie awards last night. I tend to watch this show just for the fun of it but the last couple of years I have been relatively disappointed by the whole thing. As I mentioned, this year I caught the back end because I was watching Deadliest Warrior while the first part was going. Anyway it is the best film winner that I am here to talk about. As you can likely tell I am a big fan of vampire stories…come on look at my handle. Not only do I like vampire stories, I kind of resemble a vampire to some extent: tall, thin, pale and dressed head to toe in black most of the time, which by the way isn’t really a good look but…

With this information in hand I would now like to voice my absolute loathing of the film that won best picture last night. Twilight is a massive turd. I haven’t seen a movie this bad in years, and my friends and I rent flicks like Monster Island and Android Apocalypse. I had no interest whatsoever in seeing this film but I went to a friend’s house and that was the entertainment she had rented for the night, so I figured what the hell, how bad can it be? Answer, really bad.

The acting in the film is stiff, the dialog laughable, the special effects pathetic. The story, in and of itself, is absurd. I find it hard to believe that a vampire, immortal and super powerful, is going to spend his undead life in high school fawning over some vapid teenager. Not only that but he glows like a damn disco ball in the sunlight, which means that in reality he should be living in Alaska so he can spend a lot of time in the dark. Edward also has to be one of the most off putting characters I have seen in a film in a long time. Plain and simple, the dude is kind of a prick.

The best parts of the film for me were the baseball sequence and the final battle at the end. I love the baseball scene because of the camptastic vampire pose off that takes place between the Cullens and the evil vampires. It’s like they are seeing who can vogue better, I laugh every time I think about it.

As for the final fight sequence, my joy is derived from a comment by one of my friends. We were watching Bella get flung around the room, annoyed at the fact that mister evil vampire hasn’t really done anything to her since she keeps trying to run away the whole time. Logical on her part but stupid on the vampires part. So at that point my friend yells at the T.V. “just hobble the bitch”. Next thing we know, generic evil vampire 1 walks over and snaps her leg. That is the first time a film has actually taken the advice yelled at it, we were shocked and astounded. So those were the only two enjoyable moments in the entire thing for me, and let’s face it, my reactions could not have been the intended effect.

This brings us back to the award show. This gigantic douche of a movie won best picture last night against Slumdog Millionaire, High School Musical 3, The Dark Knight, and Iron Man. While I have not yet seen the first two films, the second two were far superior to “Twilight.” I understand that “The Dark Knight” might have fallen short due to Bale backlash and that “Slumdog” might not be happy go lucky enough for the MTV crowd but come on, “Twilight”?! Really? That was the favorite film of the year? I find this a sad, sad situation.

If anyone wants to read or see a real vampire story then here’s a short list to get you going.

Books:
“Carmilla” J. Sheridan Le Fanu
“Dracula” Bram Stoker
“I Am Legend” Richard Matheson
“30 Days of Night” Steve Niles and Ben Templesmith

Movies:
“Dracula” Francis Ford Coppola
“From Dusk ‘Til Dawn” Robert Rodriguez
“Nosferatu” F.W. Murnau
“The Lost Boys” Joel Schumacher

Stoker

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