An Open Letter to “Gold Derby by Tom O’Neil”

Dear Gold Derby/Tom,

I’ll be honest, until about 30 minutes ago I’d never heard of you. Well, probably I have but since forgotten about you. I used to follow the awards shows/season fairly closely but I’ve found it difficult of late (read: kids) and I’ve only payed cursory attention for the last few years.

Today, though, I came across your blog “Gold Derby” and this particular post wherein you claim:

Remember when Miley Cyrus told Ryan Seacrest on the Oscars red carpet in February 2008 that she hopes “to continue to do films and one day I’ll be here with my own movie”? After three years of Miley Cyrus starring in the Disney TV series, the surprising success of “Hannah Montana: The Movie” at the box office this weekend may mean we should take her dreams seriously.

I have a question…were you drunk when you wrote that?

You know what, maybe we’ve gotten off on the wrong foot. Let me start over.

I believe that Britney Spears once claimed she desired to win an Emmy, Tony, and Oscar. But, you know, I don’t remember anyone lining up to fling gold statuettes at her after Crossroads came out.

OK, OK I know what you’re thinking. Crossroads was a flop whereas the equally banal Hannah Montana movie, as your post so eloquently states, has been quite the rousing success even in these economically perilous times.

Fair enough. I’m not so naive to think that box office clout has no bearing on Oscar consideration.

But, here’s the thing, I found it kinda jackassy to make the direct correlation like you did.

I sense you’re finding the tone of this letter a bit confrontational. Let me assure you that, as these things go, this is one of the tamer ones. Don’t believe me? Well then, take a gander at this one, or this one, or this one, or this one, or this one…or this one.

And, you know, I get that you’re just one little cog in the slut-mill that is Hollywood. Hey, I’d strap on a garter quicker than you could say “bend over whitey” if given half a chance to get my soul eviscerated as part of the Hollywood machine. But I’ll readily admit I’m a money and attention whore. Maybe you are two, then hey, we’re brothers in arms.

I guess I’m struggling with the fact that, more and more, the Oscars are being treated like some sort of celebrity merry go round. What I mean is, if you’re attractive, and successful for a while, it seems like you will eventually get an Oscar. Maybe I’m stupid, but I thought those awards are supposed to be given out to the best performances/achievements in any given year. When did it become compulsory that box office success equaled awards?

I ask this because, have you even seen the Hannah Montana show? No, seriously, have you? It’s one of the worst things ever imagined. And I haven’t seen the movie but if, as you say, it’s just a longer version of the show, then all the box office gross in the world won’t change it from the steaming pile of goose shit that it is. And I know you’re not saying this movie will get her an Oscar but, come on.

OK, so Miley has her first “adult” role coming up, or whatever. Hey, former “teen dreams” can put in good performances in good films. Anne Hathaway did. And even though she’s crazy and might die very young, Lindsey Lohan is a very good actress…when she shows up. But for every Hathaway there’s an Olsen twin not doing much of anything worth merit.

So I don’t think success today can/should be a predictor of whether or not Miley is/will be/can be an Oscar worthy actress.

I understand you’re just “reporting the facts”…that her film has done very well.

Can’t we agree, however, that the Oscars represent (rightly or wrongly) the pinnacle of artistic achievement in this country (probably the world)? Good. So, now that we agree, should we so blithely throw out predictions that she’ll get her Oscar nomination one day?

Look, maybe she’ll surprise me in “Last Song.” Hell, Walk to Remember had me tearing up.

Perhaps I’m annoyed for no reason…wouldn’t be the first time (today). But is there no integrity left anywhere? I’d love to become a best selling author, rich beyond my wildest dreams, eating grapes off the stomachs of nubile, glistening, virgins. But I’ll be the first to admit that anything I write will never be worth a Pulitzer. I’m just not that kind of writer and, god damnit, even if I became the next Rowling I still wouldn’t be writing shit worthy of an award so highly prized.

Please Tom, can’t we stop the insanity? Can’t box office success not immediately be tied to Oscar success?

I have to believe that we still live in a world where artistic credibility counts for something.

Nine Inch Nails — Ruiner