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Random Normality of a Graphical Nature
I will now share my epic failure with all of you.
Longtime (well, not so long…) Normalinauts are aware of my second job, and what a wonderful job it is. And even though I’ve come to oddly enjoy the routine anal cavity searches, after seven years, I’m finding less and less reasons as to why I still work there (oh yeah, I know you’re reading this ms. love, but I know you know it’s nothing personal…).
One reason that I stuck around was an interesting…stunt?…the company was trying. As one who has a perfectly good fantasy novel sitting around, I was intrigued, you might say, at the prospect of getting it published in such a way that 500 bookstores across the country would all have it prominently displayed (and, no doubt, have some sort of “contest” related to the selling of said book).
Instead of selecting my book, the powers that be have decided to publish something called “The Killer of Orchids.” Sound good? Well, take a look at the synopsis that appears in the official press release:
“The Killer of Orchids,” follows two amateur sleuths, Xander Pooka, an 11-year old boy who is bright-beyond-his-years, and Jeff Redwing, a single, gay computer genius, as they investigate the murder of two local men by a samurai. Their investigation leads them into an underground ring where murder is the game and they become the hunted.
Maybe I’m just bitter, seeing as how my book was passed over, but doesn’t that synopsis seem like a joke or a bad SNL sketch. But my guess is that this thing makes it onto the New York Time’s Bestseller list. If everyone and his brother would read something as bad as The Da Vinci Code (which is probably one of the three worst books I’ve ever had the misfortune of reading) then no doubt “The Killer of Orchids” will find a large audience.
And if my novel lost to that, well then, what does that say about my writing?
The one small piece of information that I take solace in is that the winning novel will not be published until quarter 1 of 2009…by that time, Border’s may not, in fact, exist as a company anymore…
Joy Division – Heart and Soul
I wouldn’t call it bitter – as I know you, and if the ‘chosen’ title had contained a little more luster to it, I know you would have had not only good-grace in the ‘losing out’ but would have given some sort of truly heartfelt congrats… as it is, one word comes to mind when reading the synopsis for the ‘winning’ entry:
NAMBLA!
there nuff’ said…
What if you revised your novel to have a gay werewolf? Then they would have to publish that for fear of offending the homosexual werewolf population out there. He can have a sidekick that’s a shotgun toting, illiterate type that has more heart than brains; who carries around so much guilt about oppressing the werewolves that even PETA would endorse the book!
Or you can say F*#k them and see Iron Man this Saturday with some friends.
bacon?
hmm, well it seems my comment didn’t work. It was a pic of bacon and it said : Bacon makes everything better, and because YOU out of all people believe this, i thought it might cheer you up.
I’m not sure I get that Ironman part…is there some sort of Ironman style thing planned?
In any event, as you and exsulis can testify, the novel does have a werewolf, though he is definitely of the heterosexual variety…
When they first made the announcement the company said that they weren’t limiting it to just one winner, and that if they felt they got enough marketable entries they would release more then one book. I really believed it would have made the most sense if they released three or four novels from different genres in order to showcase the breadth of writing talent of their employees. Of course, if they really believed that the winning entry was the only one that was worth promoting, then so be it. I really hope for the artist’s sake that the synopsis is not indicative of the quality of the book…granted, any synopsis of my novel might sound similarly ridiculous, seeing as it’s a work of comic fantasy.
Bacon does generally cheer me up, and of course it makes everything better!
Apparently you have not received my e-mail or voicemail? I’m looking to get together the “Jesus Movers” for Iron Man on Saturday. It will be an early afternoon showing if I can get tickets for it. I just haven’t heard from you so I can establish a final headcount. Gilgrim, you are invited as well if you can swing the time away from the new foundling. Once I get a headcount, you can get details from Exsulis.
If you sent an e-mail to the hotmail account, I don’t check it much because of the spamz…kilian.heap@gmail.com is better…as for the phone, mind half exploded. The one I am “using” has no mechanism by which the battery stays in by itself, the speaker makes all calls sound like the person on the other end is in the water, and no button on the right side of the phone works. I have it, essentially, in case I ever need to call 911.
Whether or not I can attend depends entirely on the where and the when…
By the way, I’m a bit slow today. I didn’t get the “Jesus Movers” reference…and I am half-scarred by it…
Saturday, May 3rd. Looking like 11am at the Block due to it’s central location for most of us. “Jesus Movers” think back to Senior prank/gift in college.
Wow am I totally out of it today…
At 11 am I will still be working, coincidentally, at the Block.
D’oh! Perhaps we could kidnap you or pull the fire alarm for your work to free you to see Iron Man?
There has to be a photo, or two lying around of that event. I still don’t know why they wanted to keep Jesus hidden.
Explosions, smoke, and or Fire can all be arranged at preset times. Also, we can power up the acetylene cannon.
P.S. Spooky I fixed your comment
Well, pulling the fire alarm might have the unintended consequence of shutting the theatre down as well.
Ah, but I as well as a few others of our group know how to run movie projectors as well as the alarm bypass.
hmm im certain i know whats gonna happen in this novel… Muhaha
In The Killer of Orchids, or my (good) novel?
Or the novel of our rather comedic lives?
Comedic? That’s the word you’d use is it? I’d go with lame, sad, pathetic, uninteresting…
Sure, or Sadistic but I think it would appeal to more people under Comedic. There are definately some great moments.
Wow. I’m no writer, but I AM a book snob and based on reading the synopsis I wouldn’t read that book, even under different circumstances. WTF? I mean, yeah I guess it’s marketable, it does after all have a few keys words that market researcher types probably love… GAY, GENIUS, MURDER, UNDERGROUND, SAMURAI etc…
Sorry
Maybe we can still figure out a way to get your book published…could it or another one be turned into a graphic novel?
It could be turned into a graphic novel…
But that’s a lot of work I don’t want to think about…I half remember drunkenly e-mailing it to gilgrim, so he might have it somewheres.
Gilgrim isn’t the only one with the complete novel… Muhaha
yeah yeah
oh yeah! You did drunkenly email it to him after we pestered you about it.
Do you want to turn it into a GN? Or is it better left alone?
Either way, maybe we can find someone to publish it.
This quote needs to make it into some future novel “Man, that sure is better than playing computer games” And it doesn’t even need the context of last Saturday’s party to make sense. Okay, it could use some but I’m sure Kilian could come up with something.
I’d say, at this point, I’d rather try and get it published as a novel. If someone offered to publish it as a GN (and, you know, gave me a check and what not), then I’d certainly turn it into one. But that wouldn’t be my first choice since I’m working on novel #2.
i know this post is old but i came across it googlin stuff (and w/e i say has no relevance anymore). this book is great. i read it. i wasnt so much wonderin what was gonna happen at the end of the novel but more curious about how the events unfolded. did you even read it, did u only read the synopsis? if not you should read it. also, yay you for bashing something cause you didnt get what u wanted