The announcement is out, and will be repeated over several blogs and other digital means of communication that I seem otherwise tethered to currently. But let it be known, here, now, and on this most stupendous of digital arenas known as Normality Restored, that I, Aleister D D Gilgrim and April December will be bringing forth a new life into this world. it has been said before that should I ever reproduce in any way other than cloning, that it would undoubtedly be a sign of the end times themselves. It has come to pass, as Revelations showed us that it would, I suggest that you all prepare yourselves for the changes that will come.

The date of the beginning of the cultural, and necessary apocalypse, wherein this new being will usher in a profound and needed change to this world is scheduled for the fourth month of the year of 2008. Offered sacrifice, and tribute can be made any time prior to that time, or in the immediate aftermath of the child’s arrival. Prepare yourselves now, puny humans, the dawning of a new age is upon us all! Prepare to kneel!

–Aleister (Father of the coming cataclysm)

That is one seriously PIMP stroller!

Herein, I will impart some of my vast knowledge of all things “father” to the soon-to-be initiated Gilgrim.

1. There are bad times….you might be scared about the prospect of being responsible for the health and well being of another, but you are also, likely, a glow with anticipation on the impending love/care/general good times to be given and had with your offspring. But let me tell you that it is not all sun and roses. The first few months, especially, will feel like no hell you have ever imagined. Your pre-child self can not adequately comprehend the ferocity by which the beast known as “sleep deprivation” will take hold of your scrotum and squeeze. It gets better, too be sure, once the kid figures out that she doesn’t need to eat ever three hours. And maybe you’ll get lucky…perhaps it will only be two months before your offspring begins to slumber on through the night…but I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you.

2. But the good times more than make up for it….this is the stick/carrot approach. Yeah, sometimes it sucks being a parent. Say goodbye to sleeping in, going out, caring about your appearance, having money, not being worried all the time, not caring about what school district you live in, and a whole host of other shit. But the first time you see that little bean shaped humanoid smile, or hear her laugh, trust me when I say that other stuff doesn’t matter.

3. Your priorities will change….maybe there are parents out there whose pre-child and post-child lives are similar, but I would think that those are squarely classed in the “bad” parent category. You’ll start to notice how much sugar is in everything you eat, crime rates start mattering, as does air quality. Basically, you’ll become much more aware of the world and how said world will impact your child.

4. Messiness becomes a way of life….it doesn’t matter how clean you are, you get used to salive/spit up/vomit/urine/feces getting on your hands, skin, clothes, furniture, in your mouth (don’t ask). For some reason, babies conjure up an image of cherubic perfection with rosey cheeks, clear complexions, perfect hair and smelling faintly of honey. The truth is, babies smell foul a lot of the time. Get used to it.

5. People won’t shut the fuck up….I don’t know why, but when people (even complete strangers) see you with an infant they will take it as an excuse to give you parenting “tips” whether you want them or not. In fact, I’m doing it right now! I’m such an ass. But the fact of the matter is, no one can tell you how to raise your kid, period.

And on that note, I’ll step off my box and simply say congratulations. You should get some sleep now before it’s too late.